Unique Tune.

Tonight was a special one.

After spending a wonderful Sunday night with Dallin's family,

I returned home to find my madre and sister cuddling in momma's big bed.

Of course,

I dove into the sheets nuzzling my way between them.

My sweet mother had retrieved her old journal.

Spanning from the years of my older brothers birth in 1991 to when he was 10 in 2001.

We read the entire thing.

She only wrote every few months, 

Sometimes more, sometimes less.

She wrote things that made us belly-gut laugh.

She wrote things that made our eyes sting with tears.

What an incredible childhood I had.

All because of the strong woman that took care of me when I could not take care of myself.

She is the most sacrificing, giving, Christ-like person I know.

She has devoted her life to her children.

I have the best mommy.

I will declare it to the world.

If I can ever be half the mother she is, 

I will have completely fulfilled my duties here on this earth.

She is all I want to be.

Yes, we disagree.

Yes, we fight.

But I have never for a moment stopped loving her.

Never have I, not for a single second, been ungrateful for her unyielding love and compassion.

Wow.

I'm the luckiest.

As we read this beloved journal...

Not much has changed.

My mother constantly pin-pointws my quirky ways as a little girl.

On September 20, 1997

She wrote me this note. 

I must have been sleeping next to her as she wrote these beautiful words:

If anyone beats to their own drum, 

It would be you. 

You always seem to be playing a unique tune.

 I wonder what goes through your mind as you toss and turn and cry out in your sleep. 

It takes you awhile for you to adjust to a new day.

 I wish that you were my pretty princess, 

But you always remind me you are daddys. 

Your petite little hands are always putting on your bathing suit and pink princess outfit. 

A mind of your own--  

 So smart. 

Stop grinding your teeth, my love. 

You remind me of a butterfly fluttering here and there, 

Always trying to find a place to land. 

Don't ever stop being true to yourself.

 You are free. 

You are beautiful as you are.

So strong.

 Independent.

 And a little me. 

Tears swelled my eyes as my mom began to choke back her own.

It's safe to say I have always been a little different.

In elementary, I had no friends.

After spending many recesses alone, 

I found company with my books hiding in the bathroom.

For three years, characters nurtured my loneliness.

See what I mean by being a little off?

I was awkward, overly-passionate, and a little too talkative.

And not much has changed.

It is quite amusing.

Back in high school,

I was always misjudged.

Other student looked at me as "The Dance Company Girl" or "SBO" or based their opinions off who I dated and how those relationships turned out.

But when someone took the time--

When someone climbed over my bubbly, giggly wall--

They found a person completely different than what they had expected.

I have gotten this reaction so many times,

It is almost annoying now.

I am still that nerdy girl who finds comfort in novels.

I still beat to my own drum.

Singing my own unique tune. 

When it comes to friends,

I have always been put down and laughed at for the way I think.

So I have learned to keep my mouth shut around certain people.

My light is dimmed.

I feel dumb.

I crawl inside my little hole of insecurity.

And this happens more than you think.

I felt this way every day.

EVERY. DAY.

Until...

I found him.

So cheesey, so over-used.

But with him,

I am the most me I have ever been.

He brings out my nerdy, passionate me,

and embraces it.

In fact,

He pulls it out of me.

Why?

Because that is the me he loves.

That is the me he wants to be with.

The real me.

Not this cover I put on.

Not the cool, reserved me.

But the most inner corners of myself come out whenever he is around.

And thats love.

If you ask me. 

That how I know,

He was made me for me.

Puzzle Piece: FIT.

I am so embarrassed.

How long has it been?

Two months?

I used to be a blogging addict...

Then life got busy.

And can I tell you...

THESE HAVE BEEN TWO OF THE BIGGEST MONTHS OF MY LIFE.

I left my blog on the night President Monson announced that young women can serve missions at

AGE NINETEEN.

I received my call November 20, 2012.

There is no feeling like holding that envelope in your hand.

I honestly had no inclination as to where the Lord needed me.

I had a party at my house...

Its safe to say there were a few people.

After shaking hands and an emotional opening...

Dear Sister Brown,

You are hereby called to serve as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

You are assigned to labor in the MALAGA SPAIN MISSION.

Spanish Speaking.

I leave March 20, 2013.

I am so grateful for this opportunity.

I know without a doubt, this is what I am supposed to be doing.

How badly does the Lord need missionaries that he lowered the age?

And SPAIN?

WHAT?

Internally, all I wanted from Europe with a language.

That's all.

Not too much to ask for right?

I got exactly that.

It is perfect for me.

The more and more I research it,

the more I see all the pieces falling into place.

I'll do another post going into depth on my mishhhhh.

But for now, that will do.

I cannot wait to serve!

ALSO...

Pretty sure my blog is famous for sappy love posts.

Lessssbi-honest...

(Favorite Pitch Perfect Line!)

I am a hopeless romantic.

I love love and everything that comes with it.

I have lived my whole life knowing I have the capacity to love more than anyone has ever loved anyone.

And now... I found him.

Truly.

I truly believe that Heavenly Father made him for me.

I can't even explain it.

He knows me better than I know myself.

He understands me before I even open my mouth.

He is everything I have ever wanted.

He's it.

I know it.

And guess what?

 We get to serve our missions at the same time!

Puzzle peice: FIT.

It makes sense why the church has constantly remind the youth to not be in a serious relationship before your mission.

I don't know how I am going to leave.

Almost every other night, I have a serious breakdown.

How do you just get up and leave your other half?

Your better half?

How do you cope with the fact that you won't see your best friend for two and half years?

How are we going to do this?

I know how.

With my Savior help, we will make it.

Our love will live in our hearts even if we don't hear from each other for months at a time.

We have prayed for angels.

Angels to take care of us.

Of our relationship.

If I give my all, one-hundred percent, every ounce of my being

to the Lord for a year and a half, 

He will remind us of this love.

When we finally reunite, after our two and half year division,

everything will be the same.

I know it.

I believe.

I trust Him.

On a lighter note...

LIFE HAS BEEN AMAZING.

My best friend is home for the Holidays!

 Since I leave in March...

NO MORE SCHOOL FOR ME.

 This girl gets a two year break.

I could cry, I'm so happy!

In fact, I did!

All I do is prepare.

Prepare.

Prepare.

Prepare.

I volunteer at Make-A-Wish.

Yay for Princess Parties!

I make a good Snow White, wouldn't you say?

I get to spend every day with these lovely ladies.

 I love my friends.

I love my boyfriend.

I love the Lord.

And..

I LOVE MY LIFE.

We Are The Flame.

I made my choice.

You can mark this day.

The day I pledge to take His name.

I will be strong.

I will be brave.

Standing for Him as I take my place.

I have felt the spirit burn truth in my heart.

It's in my heart.

I will stand, I will not fall

In a world that's weak, I will be strong

I'll be true.

I will choose His way.

I know what's right and I will not change.

In a world where so many will not...

I will.

I may be one but one becomes two

When you stand with me and I stand with you.

As we unite our cause is great

We're not just the candle,

We are the flame.

I will take the light He gives me and I'll hold it up high.

I'll hold it up high.

Ladies and Gentlemen.

I have my bishop's interview next sunday.

Can you believe it?

The Lord is watching over us.

I am a living testament of that.

I cannot wait to go out and serve!

Just call me Sister Brown!

HE'S HOME!

This has been one of the best weeks of my life.

ELDER BROWN HAS COME HOME!

I wish I could find the words to express my overwhelming excitement and joy.
But I can't.
So here is a video my lovely cousin produced.
Click the link below to share that special day with us!

Welcome Home Elder Brown!

Storms Make Trees Take Deeper Root.

Well, I might as well erase my last post.

The week we were broken up was complete hell.

I have never experienced heartache quite like that. 

And I have had my fair share.

Every success, every failure, every little thing I did,

I wanted to call him.

I wanted to tell him everything.

I wanted him to tell me every thing was going to be all right.

I wanted him.

But I couldn't call.

Because we were supposed to be broken up.

It made sense.

The whole college slash high school thing.

Right?

I just could not let him go.

Call me pathetic.

I spent every night craddled in my bed

Crying and praying.

Asking for this pain to be taken away.

That if this was the right thing then why does it still hurt this bad.

And my answer came.

I made a mistake.

A huge one.

I let go of the best thing that ever happened to me. 

And I had to get him back.

I fought long and hard for the relationship.

I fought for him.

Because I knew we could become something amazing.

And we were special.

We are special.

So I went to the Homecoming football game. 

And I wanted to kill him. 

He was acting ridiculous.

I didn't even know who he was.

I was starting to freak out.

So I told him that when he was done being rude,

He was more than welcome to come talk to me at my house after the game.

And he did.

We sat on the back of his little blue truck underneath all the stars. 

T-Swift in real life: 

I'm so glad you made time to see me.

How's life? Tell me, how's your family?

I haven't seen them in a while.

You've been good, busier than ever.

We small talk, work and the weather.

Your guard is up, and I know why.

Because the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind.

You gave me roses, and I left them there to die.

So this is me swallowing my pride standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night.

And I go back to December all the time.

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you

Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine...

...

I poured out everything.

How much I missed him. 

That he was everything to me.

That I wanted him back.

Hoping he would forgive me.

We sat in silence for a long time.

And then he wrapped his arms around me 

and whispered in my ear,

"Its about time."

I let out a sigh of relief and cuddled into his chest.

Everything changed that very moment.

We could not stop giggling.

All of the sudden everything was hilarious.

I think it might have just been the giddiness of it all.

Or the kisses we shared.

But one thing is for sure.

I have never been so in love in my life.

I will tell anyone who asks.

I love him.

It's not that I am even swooned anymore.

It's so much deeper.

I love him and everything about him.

I love his gentleness.

And kindness.

I love the way he laughs at me.

And the way we laugh together.

I love the way he loves the Lord.

I love the way he thinks.

I love the way he speaks.

I love his passion.

I love his hands.

And the way they hold mine.

I love the way he is with my family.

He's practically the seventh Brown.

I love who he makes me.

I love who I am when I am around him.

I love everything about him.

And getting back together was the best decision I ever made.

It has made us a thousand times stronger.

We've been slightly obsessed with each other to be quite honest.

We talk on the phone at least twice a day, if not three.

I waste so much gas money.

But I don't care.

I am happiest when I am with him.

My boyfriend is in high school.

We live thirty miles apart.

We see each other only a few days a week.

And I couldn't care less.

Because he is absolutely everything to me.

And I won't be letting go of him again,

For a long, long time.

Called To Serve.

I have been called as a Relief Society Instructor in my singles ward.
Pray for me peeps.

Our Time Is Up.

Things change so fast.
One minute you're with him in your basement,
Watching Harry Potter (again) all snuggled up.
Telling secrets.
Giggling.
Kissing.
Happiness.
Everything is perfect and right.

And before you know it...

You're living in a big city.
You don't know anyone.
You get a job at Gold's Gym and...
BAM.
Dating city.
Really though.
Within two weeks,
You've been on five dates with strangers,
and have three planned for next week.
It's exciting.
It's new.
You love life.

But...

He's back in high school.
You live in separate worlds.
And you know it's not going to work out.
Four years is a long time.

So...

You have to let him go.
And it kills you.
Or pretty close to it.
You spend a week of nail biting and rationalizing.
You crawl into your bed at night in hysterical sobs.
Over and over.
But you can't deny that this new life you live isn't fair to him.
And he deserves better.
Because he is the best there is.

And so it comes.

You both sit there with tears streaking down your face.
Hands held tight.
Never wanting to let go.
Because you know when you do,
Everything will be different.
Nothing will ever be the same.

And for that one moment...

We were infinite.

I love him.
I love him with every fiber of my being.
I will scream it from the roof tops.
He knows me better than anyone else.
He is my best friend.
And always will be.

That why I could do it.

Just because we don't have the title, or we don't see each other as much,
Doesn't mean we will cease to exist.

This boy gave me the summer of my dreams.
He saved me from the depths of depression.
He was an angel sent to me.
He was mine.

But now...

Heavenly Father needs him somewhere else.
He has the ability to touch lives like no one I have ever seen.
Our time is up.
He completed what Heavenly Father needed him to do.
This boy put back together a broken girl.
He showed me light.
He taught me so much about who I want to be and how to get there.

Man...

I'm going to miss him.
But it's not like he died.
He's in high school.
And dating.
And playing.
And living the life he should live.
I know he's happy,
So I try to be.

I love that boy.
And a part of me always will.