Realization.

I have realized a few things.

I am healing.

Bit by bit. Minute by minute.

Things are getting easier.

Instead of crying every night,

the tears only come every other.

I have been repressing memories of Elder.

Trying to forget them, hoping that will subside the pain.

It doesn't.

It makes it worse.

So I have decided to opened my mind. 

My heart.

These last couple of days, I have let the memories in and let them flow.

Some nights, as I lie in my bed, I close my eyes,

and I can actually see him.

I can smell his special smell.

It helps.

My heart is slowly healing.

It will get there.

Tomorrow, he will be gone for four months exactly.

If you would of asked me in November if I would even make it to March, 

I would probably say that I would be dead by then.

But look at me now. 

I have made it.

4 months.

20 more to go.

My mother is a very intuitional woman.

She always knows what to say and how to make me feel better.

The other day she said

"Linsey, I have a feeling a really good guy is coming into your life soon. 

I can feel it."

I know its coming.

Change is coming my way.

I think I am headed to St. Geeeezy this weekend.

That 75 degree weather is calling my name.

I could not be more ecstatic. 

I need to get away from this small town.

GET ME OUT.

Oh the thoughts. :)

Random thoughts in my head.

- This school year is going to be the death of me.

- My letter from Elder should be coming any day.

- I need to paint my fingernails.

- Taylor Swift is my best friend.

- I love this gospel so much.

- I'm extremely beyond tired.

- Attendance school in the morning. What a shame.

- I have senoritis. And I am only a junior.

- I love Mockingjay. It makes me cry.

- Dance Company is fantastic.

- I want to be an SBO next year?

- Wonderboy. What a wonder he is.

- I have 23 hoodies. It's a problem.

- I am still heartbroken. Help?

- It snowed last night.

- I want to go serve at a soup kitchen.

- T-slate is the bestest friend that anyone could ask for.

- I want to ask a boy on a date.

- This list is getting long.

- I have homework to do.

- I am rapping this up.

- Smile at someone you don't know. It'll make their day :)

Rain, rain, and more rain.

Oh... man.

Relapse?

I think yes.

It all started when I walked out to my car and into the open garage.

I traveled to the very edge nearing the pouring rain.

I stopped abruptly.

Staring.

Just hopelessly staring at the stormy sky and falling droplets of water.

I couldn't move.

The thought of entering the rain was more threatening

than entering acid poison draining from the sky.

Too many memories.

Floods and floods, coming and coming.

Of Elder.

Remember, we dated October and November.

Which meant...

Rain.

Rain.

Rain.

How many memories do I have of us running

wild and crazy through the streets in the heavy rain?

Dancing.

Soaking wet.

Elder tackling me to the ground.

Wrestling on the cement floor.

Kicking,

Fighting,

Screaming,

Tickling,

Laughing.

Only to end with a somber kiss.

Sitting up and knowing this was love.

His ocean blue eyes pouring into mine.

The sly, flawless crooked smile on his face.

That look that made me know I was special to him.

Thats when life was good.

Reality was finally better than my dreams.

I saw those memories flash before my eyes.

Like a movie.

Tears suddenly flooded my face.

The memories wouldn't stop.

There is a dear Taylor Swift song titled:

Sparks Fly

The lyrics of the chorus are such as:

Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain
cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile

Get me with those [blue] eyes, baby
As the lights go down
Something that'll haunt me when you're not around
cause I see, sparks fly whenever you smile

I became obsessed with this experience becoming a reality so

I became determined to make it happen.

So when the next rainstorm appeared,

I was prepared.

I texted Elder as the droplets began to drizzle.

"What are you doing?"

"Just been waiting for you to text me :)"

"Well, do you want to meet me at the spot?"

"I'll be there in ten minutes :)"

Man, he was so great.

I jumped in my car and sped off to our little romantic spot.

Satisfied, I showed up a few minutes before him.
The rain falling a little harder.

Zoooommm.

The little white car shot around the corner.

I prayed my little plan would be accomplished today.

I stepped out of my car.

I stood on the sidewalk and 

I just smiled as he pulled around the round-about.
I began to shiver as my clothes were drenched with water.

He turned off his car, looking at me skeptically.

I zoned in on him, using only our eyes for communication.

The boy could practically read my mind.

Before I knew it, he was out of his car,

sprinting towards me.

An animal hunting it's prey.

With one hand placed on the back of my neck

and the other secured around my waist,

he gave me the kiss of my life.

Just as my little song predicted,

We had our first kiss in the rain.

Memories.

Coming.

Flooding.

Tears.

Heartbreak.

Help?

At least I haven't forgotten him.

Those memories will always be with me.

He will always be with me.

Almost four months without him.

Bahhh.

Change. Its a good thing.

As I sit here in my bed this fine Sunday afternoon

I can't help thinking of my friends.

How I feel like I have none.

I mean, I know my cousin,

my little Callie,

and T-Slate will always be there for me.

No matter.

These young lassies are my truest friends.

They will never leave me.

But will all complete honesty...

The above set of girls are the only ones I am relatively close with.

What happened?

Why do I feel alone?

Where did all my friends go?

I know for a fact, I shooed a couple off.

Because I have a quote that I live by.

"You are who your friends are."

Truest statement in the world.

That is terrifying.

So as my thoughts try to weave and wiggle through this thought process,

I can actually answer all those questions.

What happened?

Change happened. I changed.

My priorities were rearranged.

I began to put my family before friends.

Missionaries before friends.

And probably the biggest one:

The Gospel before friends.

Yes, I realized my testimony and my personal growth relies on my 

willingness to obey and my attempts to stay on the straight and narrow path.

So I took extra me time.

Which meant less time with the girlies.

Why do I feel alone?

I am a friendly person, but I am now more picky with my friends.

I only want people in my life who thrive in the gospel.

Who push me to be my best and know my savior.

Well, not everyone is like that.

People get lost in worldly things, and they lose track of what is important.

So I would rather lack friends and be alone,

than be brought down.

My times of lonliness will only help me grow

and learn self individualism.

Where did all my friends go?

It's what I like to call pick and choose.

I have chosen to let go of certain friends.

I have kept the ones that have meant the most.

I am ready to meet more people.

Stronger people.

Smarter people.

Loving people.

Good people.

I can't wait.

My new endeavor for a new group of individuals

should be lonely but worthwhile.

In the end, I know I will find true happiness.

I have a good feeling about this.

I can't wait.

Huzzah.

Getting there

I'm happy.

This is a weird thought.

It's different.

I haven't been happy for four months.

I have been merely dragging my feet in life,

Hoping that everyone is fooled by my act of teenager giggles and fake smiles.

I pray that people don't see that it is forced.

Because that is when people start asking questions.

When you refuse the answers, people start assume.

That when trouble happens.

That has been my life the last couple of months.

It is not a good feeling.

Tonight, I felt a bit of light shine through.

I regained some hope.

Not in the way you are imagining, I'm sure.

This fine night was spent with Wonderboy.

Yes, and what a wonder this young man is.

I haven't been able to be completely myself... for the longest time.

I haven't been able to just talk to someone without the fear of being judged.

I know I need to let go of what people think,

But I'm only human.

I am working on it.

With Wonderboy, I can completely share my mind.

With not a care of what he will think.

We can sit in my kitchen, make cookies,

and just talk about everything and nothing.

I can just laugh.

I can simply smile.

I can be disappointed.

I can share my silly little embarrassing quirks.

I can be myself.

It is fantastic.
He's a great listener.
Very insightful.
It isn't everyday when you find a boy in high school who can go into the deeper meanings of life.
It's nice having someone who can do utter nothingness,
and still have a glorious time.
Because making cookies, 
sitting, 
talking,
 laughing,
That is my type of fun.
I don't need to be out doing crazy things,
I find joy in the comfort of my own home.

It was a great night.
Hopefully, there are more to come.
Right now, all my feelings can be summed up in a simple
Taylor Swift song.
I enjoy listening to it.
The name fits very successfully to my situation.
It gives my butterflies and makes me smile.
Truly smile. 

What a day.

What a good day.

What a fantastic day.

I woke up this morning a bit skeptical about what the day had to bring.

I knew I was going to the state basketball game 

which meant no school.

I knew that was going to be a bonus.

But my dear friend Teysia wasn't riding up on the spirit bus

which meant I was going to suffer alone.

I don't really talk to anyone any more,

so knowing that I had to face a bus full of teenagers completely terrified me.

I don't really know how to act in public.

I'm kind of a reject.

So for an hour and half, I just listened to my iPod, trying to block out the world.

It was quite successful.

With a few interruptions from my prom date, Austin Steadman, I was completely alone.

The game got a bit better.

Teysia finally showed up.

The poor girl has to put up with my moping ways, but that just proves she is a true friend.

American Fork won, and everyone was ecstatic. 

You think I would be excited for the ride home??

No, I wasn't.

I knew it was just going to be painful and lonely.

So I sat in my little seat, pressing myself against the window.

I wish I could just disappear. 

I wish I didn't go to the game. I wish I could of just read my book all day.

In my attempt to put in my iPod, my attention was taken to a group of teenagers.

They were discussing different topics that semi-ly kept me interested.

Of course, I wanted to be involved because sitting on the seat next to was

(His blogging identity will be)

Wonderboy

Taking a pause in the current story, I need to back track.

Me and Wonderboy... We have quite the friendship.

Before we had even said two words to each other,

this young man kissed me in front of hundreds of people. 

From then, we proceeded to talk every day.

He even took me on a date.

He is truly an amazing person.

Very kind, very sincere.

But this friendship calmed when our busy lives kicked in.

I haven't talked to him much since then. 

Heavenly Father knows his children.

Very well.

He knew that I was struggling and I needed a little pick me up.

So for the next hour, I got to just talk to Wonderboy.

And he listened.

It was what I needed.

I didn't feel so alone.

I felt happy.

I have missed his presence in my life.

He knows how to make me smile.

It made today a good day.

Huzzah for an Email.

I got an e-mail today.

Not directly to me, but my Elder's little sister forwarded it me.

And let me tell you.

It was LONNNGGG over due.

Between the ACT today and helping at a cheer clinic

....lets just say, I have had an off day.

My brain is fried.

I am stressed.

This e-mail? Ya, it made my day.

Mainly because it is crazy to see how much he has changed.

In the best way possible.

He always... well... had a problem with humility.

That is why the Lord sent him to a third world country.

That is why he is sleeping under tin roofs and dirt floors.

He is being humbled.

It is the best thing for him.

In his e-mail, he included these two inspiring quotes:

The first step to walking in righteousness is simply to try. We must try to believe. Try to learn of God. Read the scriptures, study the words of the latter day prophet, choose to listen to the Father, and do the things he asks of us. Try and keep on trying until that which seems difficult becomes possible, and that which seems only possible becomes habit and real part of you. 

Dieter Uchtdorf

Dismiss the destructive, and keep dismissing it until the beauty of the Atonement of Christ has revealed to you your bright future of your family, your friends, and your neighbors. God doesn´t care nearly as much about where you have been as He does about where you are and, with his help, where you are willing to go... and every day ought to be the start of a new year, a new life. Such is the wonder of faith, repentance, and the miracle of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Jeffery R. Holland

Man... I am so proud to call him my missionary.

He is extraordinary :)

I am a lucky girl.