Monday, January 31, 2011

Please Come. Soon.

Dear Letter,

Linsey has spent endless hours waiting for your arrival. She sits by the window every day, awaiting your carrier to bring your delivery. And every day, without at out fail, disappointment buries Linsey's heart. She slowly treads back to her meaningless - letter less - life, only to wait for tomorrow. Where are you letter? Please come join your brother and sisters. They cannot wait to meet you.


The Other Elder. The Brother.

Or should I say The Best Friend.

I can't even begin to describe the love I have for this kid
If you would of asked me how
I felt about this young fellow a few years ago,
I would say,
"The boy is insane, I cannot stand to be around him for even ten minutes."
And to be honest, back in the day, I did everything I could to avoid Josh.
He was angry. He was upset. All the time.
This behavior started roughly in 8th grade and
 continued until his senior year.

Growing up, Joshy boy was the sweetest kid around.
He stood up for me at all times.
We played everyday. Whether it was

Cowboys and Indians, 

Power Rangers, 

or princes and princesses, 

we were inseparable.

Then everything changed. Josh shut off. He stopped talking to the family. He lived in his basement. My once loving brother turned into a disturbed teenager. What on earth could have started this change? How did my big brother, my prince, leave me hanging so suddenly?

I realized the catalyst.

I was blessed with many aunts and uncles, resulting in many cousins. One of them being named Brady Jensen, also my brother's BEST friend. They loved each other so much. They played sports against each other and had man sleepovers every weekend. Brady was beyond his years in spiritually and kept Joshua grounded. He reminded Joshy boy of eternal priorities. He constantly pushed for Josh to gain a testimony of this gospel.

My dear cousin Brady was diagnosed with 
Viral Meningitis at age 14.
  • Day 1 - Brady could not stop throwing up. He had multiple migraines. 
  • Day 2 - Went to a various amount of doctors. One doctor saw the problem. Brady was immediately life flighted to Primary Children's Hospital.
  • Day 3 - Brady was diagnosed with Viral Meningitis.
  • Day 4 - Brady went blind from the virus eating away at his brain.
  • Day 5 - Brady was induced into a coma.
  • Day 6 - Life support was needed to support his life. 
  • Day 7 - Either the doctors perform a surgery and Brady will be mentally handicapped for this life or they completely pull life support in every way. 

Brady Jensen died on October 26, 2005.

In the time spans of one week, my brother lost his best friend. 

My family lost a grandson, cousin, brother, nephew, and son.

This is the day my brother changed. He shut down. 
Its almost as if, He lost hope
He turned to friends that weren't doing the right things. He lost sight of what was important in life. Josh couldn't quite grasp why Heavenly Father would take his best friend away from him. Other ways to cope soon presented themselves in his life. Not only did this tragedy result in Josh losing a best friend
I felt as if I lost my brother. 

This is where my love of the gospel comes into the story. 

Families Can Be Together Forever.
And I bear testimony of it.
Without this knowledge, I would forever have a haunting feeling in my heart knowing I would never see my cousin, uncle, and grandpa again. I know my Savior died to atone for my sins as well as break the bonds of death, so that ressurection in the last day can bring families together again. I love this church and this knowledge. It is the only thing that got my family through that hard time of our lives.

Joshua could not grasp this concept for many years.
It was heart breaking to see him cope in his own way. Even more so, watching those behaviors become habits. Watching his life go down the wrong path. My best friend had almost lost his way.

A change began. A simple book ignited this change.

The Book of Mormon.

Josh has one of the best hearts I know. It is truly so pure and loving. I don't know what started his want to read The Book of Mormon but it changed Josh forever. He began to prepare for his mission.
He started to pray.
Reading the scriptures.
Love unconditionally.
He testimony grew leaps and bounds.

I had my brother, my best friend back.

I have always heard that you need to learn from others mistakes.
And after watching my brother's struggles, I know the true route of happiness.

Stay close to your Savior. Life is going to get hard.
Curve balls are going to be thrown every which way and when you fall..
Christ, my big brother, the redeemer of the world, will be there to pick you up.

I know my brother became a better person through this trial. He is amazing.
I look up to him in every way possible.
He is strong.
He is my hero.

I miss him dearly.

Joshua Andrew Brown is currently serving in Anaheim, California.
He has been out four months.
I still cry once a day.
I still need my big brother.

Josh is a babe. I love him more than he will ever even began to realize.

Practically, our relationship.
I know he loves me. 

Between the late night talks, 
the help sneaking out,
the fights,
the laughs,
the tears,
the road trips,
I knew I had my brother back 
when I needed him most.

I love you Elder Brown.
You are always in my prayers.
Thank you for teaching me so much.
20 more months.  :)

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Once Upon a Time... I fell in love.:)

Ok all you readers, such as.... no one, listen up.

This is the story of how I fell in love. It is the usual story. The older boy and the younger girl grew up together. Couldn't stand to be around each other. Seperated through the awful junior high years. Weren't even friends girl's sophomore year, while the older boy was a senior. Meet back up awkwardly. Instantaneously fall in love. Then in the blink of an eye... he's gone.

Well if you haven't figured out, I am the younger girl. And that is my story in a nut shell. Shall I expand on the situation? I shall. 
Lets take a moment to observe my current situation.

  • I am a Junior in High School. 
  • I am on Dance Company.
  • I got the best friends around. 
  • I have a family that loves me very much. 
  • I am so blessed and grateful. 
  • I have an unyielding testimony of my Savior and his church 
My life should be perfect right? Wrong. There is a hole. A hole that hurts with every breath I take, with every heartbeat. Every time my heart pounds the hole gets bigger. Because he is not here. He is gone.

Two. Whole. Years. 

Yes, I sent off a missionary. And everyday that he is gone, my heart yearns to be with him and yet, he is serving the people of central america. Its all bitter-sweet. Sweet, in such a way as he serving the lord. He will change lives. He is going to work miracles. He will mature and gain a sense of humility. He will back 10 times the guy I knew. I should be happy. But I am not. I am heart broken and wounded. I am lost. I need him.

Okay, so maybe I am a little dramatic.

We are going to call this boy.... Elder. Just Elder. Me and Elder.. Well.. we go way back. I remember specifically being in kindergarten. Elder and my big brother, Joshy Boy [currently serving a mission in Anaheim, California], were best friends growing up. There was a whole group of boys actually. All of them I adored. Oh boy, those second graders had it going on! Because of my adoration, I was subjected to much torture. The span of my entire childhood was filled with hits, kicks, and bruises from my secret loves. Yes, I remember Elder beating me up.

Good times.. good times.

Once those second graders hit 7th grade, the tortured stopped. Those boys stopped coming over because Joshy's friends changed. I forgot about them and moved onto boys my own age. YA YA! Skipping forward a couple years, I entered high school.

Oh, sophomore year. The memories. The best year of my life. Lets just say... I dated a couple guys. One being Elder's best friend. Grrrrr..... I have a STRONG dislike for that man. But that is a different story. Elder and I are not friend, nor would I ever thought we would be. Junior year now rolls around. All my second grade lovers slash my beloved seniors are all headed off to different parts of the country for their missions. Including my brother. My best friend. My constant comfort. He was gone, I was alone.

In result of this pain, tears flowed constantly. I thought it was going to last forever. That following Friday changed my life forever. I decided I needed to try and be happy. In this attempt, I went to our high school football game.

I had never felt so alone.

All my friends were blind to my sorrow and insincerity filled their voices. All I could think was "The next two years are going to be like this. My own personal hell."
Once the game ended, I wanted to run home as fast as I could. Before I could take off, I ran into some old friends. My beloved seniors. My mood changed knowing that these boys were filled with the spirit of christ. Their light shone so bright. I couldn't help but smile. As I was conversing with these bretheren, I noticed one hanging in the back. He would not make eye contact with me.

There is something you need to know about me.

If I want to know you, you better buck up. You will be my friend.

I decided to march up to this young man and made it known that I exist. My heart started to pound as I approach his imitating stance.

"When do you leave for your mission, Aaron?"
"The tenth of November." He answered politely.
"Wow, that is coming up! That is oh so very exciting. I believe I heard that you are going to guatemala?" I asked, trying to engage in light conversation.

And BAM!

We clicked.

My life will never be the same from that night.

Everything changed.

That night I fell in love. I truly did. I knew what I was getting myself into. This boy was leaving in a month and a half for two years. I had to make the most of it. This next month and a half had to be filled with him. My elder.

And let me tell you.

That was the BEST month of 2010.

We spent every second we could with each other. We went to concerts. Stargazing. Late night car rides. Church movies. Dates. Kisses. Fighting. Sneaking out. Dinner. Laughing so hard we were rolling on the floor. Singing our lungs out. Baking treats. Scary movies. Awkard moments. Late night phone calls. Wrestling. Bowling. Life talks. More kisses. Testimonies.
Falling in love.
My life was a fairytale. I don't think there was a happier person to ever walk the earth. My mother told me I was glowing. Life was perfect. I could not ask for anything more. I was living in complete bliss.
Then he left.

He was gone. I was alone.

Most people's heart are broken because of a switch in emotion. One doesn't feel the same as they did before. Mine was different. We were completely in love. Completely content. And in our prime, we were seperated. I know he still loves me. Thats why I am broken. I love him, he loves me. Two years til I can be with him again. BAH.

Another chip off the ol' heart.

I am waiting for my Elder. Lets be honest. I am in high school. I am going to date other boys. Maybe even kiss. But my heart will ALWAYS be with my Elder. He is my Best Friend. Two more years. I can handle it.
I can do this.  

Sunday, January 2, 2011

This blog is ugly.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how ugly is this blog? Probably a 19. I promise I am working on it.

New Blog. New Me.

Frustrated. Thats for sure. I have just spent the last three hours of my on this stupid contraption of mine. 

Q. Do I know how to work this blog? 
A. No.

Q. Do I care? 
A. No.

Q. Am I relieved to have 11 o'clock church since I am still awake at 3 a.m.? 

Boy oh boy my life. My Awkward Beautiful Life that is. A perfect description of my journey on this earth. So awkward. Yet so beautiful. It is a perfect combination full of love and laughter. I am young and I am learning. This blog will just be my little documentation of all my trails, heartaches, and glories.