Thursday, June 30, 2011

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I'm an idiot.
End of story.
Shall I expand?
I won't.
Because I am pathetic.

This always happens.
Every. Single. Time.
Just man up Linsey.
You can do it.
Just kidding.
You can't.

Does this make any sense?
Even in my jumbled little mind nothing seems to fit.
I've done this a million times over.
But for whatever the reason maybe,
it's always new and terrifying.

So now I lay here in my bed.
Shaking my head.
Actually banging it into the head board.
Tomorrow night.
I shall redeem myself.
Mark my words.

Velour, here I come.

And you.
The one that says I should delete my blog.
Go on a mission.
It will do you good.
And get out of my business.
Thank you.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Summer Nights Have All The Answers.

My life feels like a puzzle.
For the longest time it felt as though it was broken.
Every piece of myself was alone
 and some were lost.
Other bits were damaged.
Some could to be used.
But others were destroyed to the point where they could never fit properly again.

Day by day,
minute by minute,
the little pieces are coming together.

Today was one of those days.
It was a day were I officially became Historian.
Dear Victoria is in my possession.
The laptop is now mine.
My hard work is about to begin.
And I can't even wait.

A day where I went to a certain meeting.
A meeting with my new council.
We went over rules and got our little handbook.
I have never been so blessed.
As I sat there,
in my advisor's humble home,
the pieces fit.
I looked around at my new family and my heart filled with love.
Over flowing.
I have lost a few close friends,
and the tears still come at night when I think of them not returning to Dance Company.
the big man upstairs knows what he is doing.
He knows this is what I need.
And what's right for me.
So I shall listen for his guidance.
He loves me.
He will help me.
And this is one of the greatest blessings I have ever received.

It was a day where I could feel the warm wind whip across my sunburnt face
and lash my hair over my face.
I was taught of very special version of baseball by a very special boy.
We played for several hours.
I was awful.
Zero hand-I coordination, right here.
Luckily, he helped me.
He actually did everything.
He makes me...
I wasn't expecting it.
I wasn't expecting my heart to pound when he said my name.
My tummy to fill with butterflies when he looked at me in the eyes.
I still don't understand it.
I guess we'll see.

It was a simple day where a snow cone fixed all my problems.
Another piece fell into place.
I was comfortable with silence.
Conversation was easy.
The wind softly touched my cheeks and sparked a smile.
I looked up to the big blue sky.
I took a deep breath in and realized how absolutely beautiful my life was.
It was imperfect.
It has holes.
It's torn and sometimes feels like it is impossible to go on.
But in the end when you really step back and look at the big picture you understand that 
you are you.
I am me.
I giggle a little too much.
I don't always say the right thing and most of the time I make a fool out of myself.
I was able to forget about that one boy that knows exactly how to hurt me.
How to crush me.
Because he is wrong.
In that moment as I grinned and giggled at the sun,
I realized that my little flaws make me who I am.
I accepted that fact.
A piece fell into place.
And I understood the fact that no matter what,
I'm going to be okay.

It was a beautiful summer day where riding a tandem was the perfect treat.
Laughing with one of your favorite people.
Trying to crash.
Taking awkward pictures.
Riding down massive hills.
Pedaling until my legs almost gave up.
It was perfect.

It was a day where a secret was shared.
Where I was shocked.
And I loved it.
It showed that they aren't all the same.

It was a night filled with randomness.
The idea came across my mind to order 50 chicken nuggets.
I have always wanted to.
And this was the perfect opportunity.
We went to the football field of my greatest rival to enjoy our meal.
We ran across the field.
Played on old football equipment.
Talked in a circle.

I looked up once more to the dazzling stars.
I wondered if Elder was looking at them at the exact same moment.
I thought how special that might be.
So I took in that moment.
I completely lived in it.
My tattered and worn down heart felt completely healed.
As if the wound was never there.
It was a moment where everything was perfect.
And then that moment ended.
Instead of sulking,
I looked around at the loving facing surrounding me.
And I laughed.
My life is amazing.
Why would I sulk?
It's silly to waist such an incredible night.
So I didn't.

And lets just say,
I feel spoiled.
In every aspect.
And the pieces are beginning to fit.
Every last one of them.

I love my life.
Tell me some exciting summer adventures. :)

Monday, June 27, 2011

I'm Back.

Sorry blog.
I have disappeared. 
I have been busy.

Girls camp was amazing.
Exactly what I need.
Our theme was Tangled.
We watched it three times.
Life was good.

The children of the Ward.
I adore them.
Every single one of them.

A life sized Rapunzel.
I about died when I sawher.

The little sister.
We're princesses. 

We have endured six years of girls camp with each other.
Long nights in tents.
Torturous hikes.
Rain storms.
Friendship bracelets.
Awful canoe rides.
Manny many tears.

Love you Madison.
You'll always be my ward sista.

The beehives in my room.
Most of the time I don't feel like a Laurel.
These Beehives teach me everything.
I admire them.

Saturday night was spent with my girl Justine.
Our lives were shared.
We went and saw the fireworks.
I love fireworks.

Sunday I was asked to give a talk in Sacrament meeting about camp.
I was asked to speak on our theme.
Which meant...
My talk was based off Tangled.
Best. Talk. Ever.
It went well.
And great.
And fantastic.
I love speaking.
I love voicing my thoughts and my opinions.
Weird I know.

Was rough.
Busy is a better word.
I worked for six hours.
Worked on my solo for two.
Doesn't sound like a lot.
But I can't move.
I like my couch.
It's my friend.
I think I am going to go swing tonight.
Wish me luck :)

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Once more, I Am Off.

Once more I am headed off.
To the valley and rolling hills of Girls Camp.
I always laugh.
Some girls dread this.
Some beg there tired mothers to let them stay home because so-and-so is having a party.
Or what ever the excuse is.
I'm a little different.
Ain't that the truth.
It's one of the my anticipated events of my summer.
I'm a big fan.
And it's only three days.
And we are staying in a cabin.
And our theme is tangled.


It keeps getting better and better.
So farewell dear blog.
We shall meet again in a few days.
Until then,
The best apples are at the top of the tree.
Shampoo a squirrel.
There a plenty of fish in the sea.
Love is a universal language.
And make sure you eat all your broccoli.

With those inspiring words,
I leave you.

Adios suckers!

So Be It.

Screw all of this,

I'm going to Hogwarts.

(Throw flue powder)
Diagon Alley!


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Stick And Stones May Break My Bones.

You brothers.
Yes, you know who you are.
The ones that read my blog everyday?
The ones that write all the anonymous comments.
The ones that humiliate me.
The ones that point out all my flaws.
The ones that cut me down.
The ones that pound into my head that I can never change.

Here's a little word to your mother.

I am a Daughter of King.
A true princess.
I have a testimony of the atonement.
I am different.
I am me.
And never been happier.
So please,
stay out of my life. :)

Have any of you ever been cyber-bullied?
Tell me.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengthenth me."
Philippians 4:13

"Mortality is a period of testing, a time to prove ourselves worthy to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. 
In order to be tested, we must sometimes face challenges and difficulties. 
At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel's end-no dawn to break the night's darkness. 
We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, 
the disappointment of shattered dreams, 
and the despair of vanished hopes. 
We join in uttering the biblical plea "Is there no balm in Gilead?" 
We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. 
We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. 
If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. 
He will lift you and guide you. 
He will not always take your afflictions from you, 
but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face."
--Thomas S. Monson, "Looking Back and Moving Forward"

That Warm October Night.

As I lay in my bed this cold summer night,

I think back to October.

The warm pavement under my skin.
Staring at the bright stars.
Trying to count every one.
And giving up after thirty.
Laughing at myself as I tried to attempt the impossible.

He eyes stared into mine with question.

I shook my head and looked away.
Trying to sneak a peek at his perfect face,
our eyes met once more.
His face shone with curiosity.

Once more I looked away.
I didn't know why I was so embarrassed.
Not because my action or the fact that I began counting the shining lights in the sky.
More like...
I wish I could have counted the stars for him.
I wish I could have surprised him.
And given him a reason for each star.

That star is for his eyes and how they roll when I say silly things.
This one right here?
Ya, it for that one time you swung me up over your shoulder when I was too stubborn to run through the sprinklers with you. 
That one to the left is for your hands when they are laced with mine.
The one next to it, reminds me of your hair. It's a little bit redder than the rest.
And that REALLY bright one right in the middle?
It reminds me of your lips. 
Your smile. 
Your words. 
Your kisses. 
Because no matter what, 
no matter where you go, 
no one can take those experiences away from us. 
They are just ours. 

I couldn't say this to him.
Because there weren't enough stars that I could count.
Not even close.

So once again,
I turned not only my eyes,
but my full attention to his moon lit face.
This time he sat there impatiently.
Waiting for some explanation for my odd behavior.

"Tell me what you have been thinking."
I said.
Trying to reverse the question to distract from my idiocy.

"As you were glancing between me and the sky,
I really noticed your blue eyes.
I noticed how your nose has that little bump in the middle.
I noticed your freckles.
But most of all,
I noticed your smile.
That smile,
that honestly knows how to make me go crazy.
The smile that makes me want to smile.
The smile I have fallen for."

He looked up at the black sky with a smug little smile, know exactly what he had done.

I snuggled into his chest a little bit more
and sucked in his aroma.
His smell.
I took in this perfect moment.
I didn't wish that time would freeze.
That would be silly to waste a moment like this.
I loved that moment.
I took it in.
I let it settle into every one of my pores.
Let it fill my body with warmth and true love.
I smiled.

Again, he looked at me.
This time demanding an answer.

I gazed up.
Grabbed his face,
and went in to describe my feelings.
Not with words,
but something more powerful.

And now,
as I sit here and reflect on that night,
I hold it close to my heart.
And I pray that when he returns with honor,
he will still remember my freckles from that warm october night.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Young Love.

My cousin is getting married.
A wedding is being planned.

They are high school sweethearts.
She sent him off on his mission.
Dated while he was gone,
but as soon as he got home,
she knew he was the one.

Tonight we were making her homemade bridesmaid dresses.

Her phone buzzed.
She grabbed it and clicked those Blackberry buttons.
It was him.

A smile spread across her face.
Her cheeks turned a little pink,
and she let out a giggle of a girl truly in love.

It made me smile.

It made me excited for the future.

I love love.
Don't you?

We Are A Team. Full of Fashion and Friendship.

Once upon a time,
I was so blessed.
Heavenly Father works in mysterious ways.
Yes, he does.

What am I talking about?
May I just say...


Some say it looks awesome.
Others say stupid.
Some say neat.
Others say silly.

But one thing I know for sure.
It might be one of the best things to ever happen to me.

Friday Morning 7:30 am
My hands were shaking as I walked through those cold metal mall doors.
I turned the corner and entered the store.
It was a room of crowded people.
I have never felt so alone.
I turned in my luggage and grabbed a muffin by the mirrors.
The greens carpet caught my attention as I thought of what my friends were doing that day.
Seven Peaks?
Maybe a night under the stars with their bodies pressing into the thick green grass?
Whatever it was,
I wouldn't be there.
Small talk was made.
No one really willing to be their one hundred percent self.
We sat in a circle.
I mainly looked at the ground.
I could not think of ONE thing to say.
Not one.
Then a girl with very long blonde hair asked if she could squeeze in.
She was soft spoke.
The ultra polite type.
I was intrigued.
She was quite the opposite of me.
Luckily she was a dancer.
So that made a click from the start.
We discussed local studios and different school programs.
Turns out she is from Lone Peak,
and fifteen minutes away from my house.

I was in the Blue Group.
Also known as Gucci.
We played get to know you games.
I shared my passing out problem and all my favorite things.
Turns out the blonde was in my group again.
I really liked her.

We had a fashion class from the funniest old lady.
Half the stuff she said...
Ya, we did NOT expect that to come out of her.
My favorite type of apparel would be Romantic.
I learned that.
I was informed I had a M butt.
Yay for me.

At lunch is where the magic happened.
I sat by the two Lone Peak representatives and something happened.
I didn't have to try to make conversation.
I didn't have to worry about my every thought.
I didn't feel the pressure to be perfect.
I was me.
Happy little me.
And I knew these girls would become close friends.
I had that little tingle in the stomach,
And I could feel Heavenly Father shining over me.
I could feel his warmth.
His brightness.
And friendships were formed.
To the point,
Where we are moving in with one another when we graduate down in the red rocks.
We are going to college with each other.
And only after 4 hours.

We had walking classes.
And we learned our path on the Runway.
Dresses were sized and distributed.
I got a pretty one.
It made me feel like a princess.

We got to check into our hotel.
I roomed with the three most adorable girls on this planet.
We watched What Not To Wear.
It fit the theme of our gathering.
With only 30 minutes of down time,
We were off once more.

Luau baby.
And let me just say,
Exciting things happened.
I rolled down a BIGG hill.
I attempted different types of rolls but I only ended up nearly kill myself.
My ladies and I played on the giant elastic.
Running til we couldn't stop laughing.
Running til I fell flat on the bottom.
Running til I couldn't run no more.
As we laid under the shade with our heartbeats high,
I smiled in the warm sun.
This felt so easy.
So natural.
No one expected me to be anyone.
They didn't know my past.
They know the girl I have come to be and what I stand for this very moment.
And they loved me.
They appreciated me.
And I love them.
Maybe a little bit more.

See what I'm talking about?
What beauts.
We ate unbelievable food.
We're talking three big plates full.
Modesty was discussed with cute men from BYU and premissionary boys.
It was fantastic.

That night I went swimming.
Hot tubbing.
Spent the night buy chocolate,
running away from football players,
and watching My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.
I was completely content.
The happiest I had been in a long time.

The next morning we had a two hour photo shoot.
Linsey and her awkward life.
It was bad.
Then the ladies and I went shopping.
We went into a photo booth.
We are a little crazy.

Best friends?
I say yes.

Then we got ready for the runway.
Did I mention I was awkward?
The blonde and I had to sprint to the bathroom to wipe off all the gunk and creams.
We laughed.
We helped each other.
She's one of my bestest friends.
Did I mention we are moving in with each other once we graduate?
Ya, we are.
Here are some pictures.

Pure happiness.

I love my Fashion Team.
Every single girl.
Motto time?
Modest is hottest.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

And I'm Off.

Off to Fashion Camp in the morning.

And I find out my dear position for Student Council tomorrow.

Freaking out.

I'll explain later.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

If Only This Brain Would Shut Down.


Noun: Habitual sleeplessness; inability to sleep.

I suffer.


I believe the correct term is


Adjective: Done, occurring, or active at night

Sleep is unattainable at night time.
My mind is racing at the speed of light.
I can't stop thinking about a boy I might lose due to stupidity.
How I might have single handedly destroyed something I really cared about.
How it might all be over.
But is it for the better?
What if this other proposal works out nicely?
What do I do?
I need to go on a drive with this young fellow.
Talk about what we both want.
Where we stand.
Why does he have to be on the other side of the country?
I don't like this.
But I don't take it back.
Not one bit.
No regrets.
Because you only live once.
And life is about taking chances and just...
And being a stupid teenager.
Which I am.

Oh the jumblings of my mind.
It will all work out.
I hope.
And I will have the best summer of my life.
Regardless of my current situation.

Now brain,
Please sleep.



Shut off.



Dang it.
Still awake.

Doesn't Get Better Than This.

Summer nights.

Long boarding with one of my most favorite people in this planet.
And a McDonalds run with my ladies.

Life doesn't get better than this.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

And Now, I'm Going To Kill Someone.

What in the world?

People just threw water balloons at my window
They drove away screaming profanities at the top of their lungs.

I haven't talked to anyone in a week.
And this happens.

I hate high school.

The Universe Loves To Make Me Miserable. Typical.

Fate hates me.
End of story.
The end. 
Good bye.

So my entire junior year there was a senior boy I had a masssssive crush on.
We never talked.
I just admired him from afar.
The entire year.
I knew I would never be good enough for him,
so instead of embarrassing myself,
I just always kept a secret eye out for him and never made my love known to anyone.

Then one day,
We had a seminary assembly during one of the last weeks of school.
He decided to get up and bear his unyielding testimony.
It brought my to tears.
Not only was this boy charming and handsome, his testimony was burning and bright.
After the little meeting I marched my way up to him and thanked him for his thoughts.
He smiled that champion smile of his.
My knees went a little week.
We spent the next couple of weeks acting as though we have been close friends all year.
And it meant the world to me.
I waited at least an hour in line for him to sign my yearbook.
Once I finally received his,
I made a spur of the moment decision.
I documented my secret infatuation forever and for all of eternity in his book of the year.
It probably took up 3/4 of his page.

So now he knows.
I left my number with a simple request that we might call me and we shall play.

So the first week of summer passed.
I knew my expectations were far too unrealistic.
I mean, I just want to be his friend.
Nothing less, nothing more.
But still, at the end of the week, no call.

Then tonight.
I'm sitting of the book of Faces were his name pops up.
He says,
"You know, I tried to call you 4 times this week. 
The number didn't work... 
I was really bummed."

My heart stopped.
My stomach sank.


I sat at home every night.
Hoping that this boy might call me.
And he tried to.
And my phone didn't work.
So I sat.
And got fat.
And did absolutely NOTHING.

Am I fuming?
You betcha.

I hate my life.
And fate hates me.
End of story.
This lad leaves for the next week on a canyon adventure.

So now.
I must wait a WHOLE week to see him.
Gosh dang it.

But on the plus side,
I will have minutes on the 16th.
So we should be golden by time he arrives home.

Thats my ramble for today.

I'll let you know how it goes when this fellow decides to pop into my life again.
And pray he does.

Time To Bring Out My Inner Child.

So I redesigned the blog.
And it looks like a five year old's bedroom.

Just what the doctor ordered.

I don't want to grow up.
No more black and white.

I want to be little again.
I want to be so unbelievably immature.
Without a care in the world.
My blog now looks like I'm kindergartener rading the internet.

And I love it.

And Things Went Better Than Planned.

First Week of Summer.



Things accomplished:

  • Watched Twlight
  • Watched New Moon
  • Watched Eclipse
  • Watched Harry Potter 6
  • Watched Harry Potter 7
  • Read half of Twilight
  • Read half of Harry Potter 7
  • Worked a 25 hour week
  • Attempted to go to Seven Peaks
  • Devoured 3 different flavored snow cones
  • Made cookies
  • Went to the temple
  • And sucessfully hung out with my cousins every night
I have vetoed high school.
I don't want to talk to anyone.
I don't want to do anything crazy.
In the words of Bruno Mars

"Today I don't feel like doing anything.
I just want to lay in my bed.
Don't feel like picking up my phone,
So leave a message at the tone.
Cuz today I don't feel like doing anything."

That has been my motto.
I have not put at ounce of make up on my face in the last week.
Nor have a put any heat or product to my hair.
If ever I need to look semi-ly decent,
the mane is thrown back into a slicked ponytail.
Because you know why?
I don't really care anymore.

I have given up on having a crazy summer.
Everyone is gone,
And I have no thrive to do anything insane.

Instead I would rather spend my days working.
Or sleeping.
Spending time with the most amazing ladies in the world.
My cousins.
They make me laugh so hard,
Diet Coke spurts out my nose.
And that hurts.
So we laugh even harder.
We giggle until our tummies hurt and we are crying for oxygen.
We realize maybe we aren't the most obsessed fans in the world because we never worried about the oil or whether they weigh foam or concrete.
And we are grateful we haven't reached that point.
We spend the night discussing our ties, glasses, and tickets as we watch part 1 of Harry Potter 7.
I have never been so happy.

Because here's the thing.
Friends are going to come and go.
It's high school.
Life is constantly changing.
You lose friends to cheerleading.
You gain some through Student Council.
One thing is constant.
And that is family.
No matter how much you want them go away at times,
or how annoyed you get,
Family is never going to change.
After high school,
you are never going to see half the people you are surrounded by everyday.
But where ever you go in life,
or whatever you become,
Family is always there to back you up.

And I'm glad I have realized this now.
Because I have the coolest family ever!
We are nuts.
I am never going to be able to bring a boy to a family party because I know they will scare him off.
We have to be engaged first.
So then he can't back out.
But that is why I love my extended family so dearly.
We are so blunt.
And hilarious.
I love it.
I love them.

Today I went to the temple for the first time in ten months.
Why so long you ask?
To be honest I don't know.
Things just come up.
And I lost the drive to go.
I forgot how much I loved that place.
And how it clears your mind.
It helps you set your priorities right.
It brings you happiness.
You feel your savior closer than ever.
My goodness.
And since I haven't been on the temple grounds in almost a year,
I decided to document the day.

One thing about Linsey?
I'm really into photography.
I wish I was better and more creative...
But what can you do?
I like editing.
Bringing out the natural beauty in everything and everyone.
Making every detail brighter and full of happiness.
And on temple grounds?
Complete happiness.

If ever you are struggling.
Feeling weak or down.
Insecure or alone.

Go to the House of the Lord.
It's fantastic how things work out. 

Saturday, June 11, 2011

A Little Something To Think About.

Oh, The Days Of Happiness.

I can remember my last night with him perfectly.
It was the 8th of November. Elder was leaving on the 10th for the MTC. This Monday was a chance for us to say goodbye and spend our final moments together.
As usual, we met at our secret spot.
To this day, no one knows where it is. It is our little secret.
It is beyond special to me, I have not been there since that night.
We met up at 8, and my curfew was pushed to midnight because of the occasion.
Four hours.
That was all we had to be with each other.
I remember his car pulling around the corner.
My heart dropped knowing this was the last time I would witness his arrival to our precious spot.

We got out of our cars simultaneously.
Before I knew it, I was being spun in the air.
A perfect moment in the arms of my Elder.
He was a little excited to see me. 

When our embrace finally ended, I looked into his eyes.
A better definition would be melted.
I can still remember the pain that shown through his ice blue eyes.

Softly, he placed his hand of the back of my neck and drew me in.
Never in my life had I known a more powerful kiss.
It was gentle and soft, but the pain of the situation stung every moment.

After he pulled away, I saw this moment for what it truly was.
This kiss was the first of our last moments together for two years.
My heart shattered that very second.
I would not waste this night.
In anyway.
After climbing into the backseat of his car, our night really began.
We took the first hour to bear our testimonies to each other.
I have NEVER felt the spirit so strong.
The testimony of a soon-to-be missionary is outstanding.
The faith and willingness of his heart was remarkable.
I was blown away.

I only fell that much harder.

The next hour was... well... very intimate. 
Can you really blame us?
This was our last time together, 
Of course he was going to catch all the rain he could before his two year drought.
Bur randomly, at one point, he pulled away and became angry.
Almost furious.
I began to wonder what in the world I did to trigger this emotion.
Suddenly he exclaimed:
"Why now?! I have waited for my the girl of my dreams for all of high school. We even went to school together! Why are you in my life now? Right before I leave? We could have been so happy my entire senior year. Why did it have to happen like this?" and so forth.
I was shocked. My face was probably priceless.
I knew I had thought these thoughts before but I never knew they crossed Elder'smind.
My reply was:
"Ok, lets go back to your senior year. Where were you mentally? Where were you spiritually? Lets be honest, you are a different person than you were back in high school. What we have is special, and it means so much more because we are more mature now. Lets just be grateful that this did happen. And that we are in love now."

That was the first time love was ever brought up.
I buried my head in his chest, trying to disguise the initial shock and embarrassment.
I did not know how he would react.
If that would ruin everything.
I knew I felt it, but I was never quite sure where he stood.

Cricket cricket.
Oh great, I just ruined everything.

After an eternity, Elder surprised me.
He slid me onto his lap and cradled me in his arms.
For about ten minutes we just sat in quietness.
I was in complete bliss.
At least he didn't shun me like I thought he would.
To my surprise, he began to tickle words onto my back.
This entertained us for a while, he wrote a word, I would guess it.
Silly sayings, inside jokes.
Before I knew it, he wrote.
I am in love with you.
My head snapped up instantly.
I stared at him. 
"Linsey, I have never had stronger feelings for any other girl in my life. I am in love you. I want you to wait for me. I know I could marry and be the happiest guy alive."
Ohhhhh myyyyyy goodness.
Talk about your heart stopping!
Giddiness filled my body, and I just leaned in to kiss him.

Just taking a walk down memory lane.
What I would give to go back to that night...