Just Watch Me.

You know what?

I'm gonna do it.

To heck with all rules and guidelines.

To heck with sanity.

All I know is I need to do this before I completely fall apart.

I got everything I need.

This could go one way or the other.

Just look at my Quote of the Day.

Wish me luck peeps.

I Never Thought I'd See The Day And Be Smiling.

Well well well.

I never thought this day would come.

Truly... I never did.

Lets start from the beginning. 

How Elder and I met.

For this is start of a most epic tale.

This was posted January 30, when these emotions were most real.

"Ok all you readers, such as.... no one, listen up.

This is the story of how I fell in love. It is the usual story. The older boy and the younger girl grew up together. Couldn't stand to be around each other. Seperated through the awful junior high years. Weren't even friends girl's sophomore year, while the older boy was a senior. Meet back up awkwardly. Instantaneously fall in love. Then in the blink of an eye... he's gone.

Well if you haven't figured out, I am the younger girl. And that is my story in a nut shell.
Shall I expand on the situation? I shall. 
Lets take a moment to observe my current situation.

• I am a Junior in High School. 
• I am on Dance Company.
• I got the best friends around. 
• I have a family that loves me very much. 
• I am so blessed and grateful. 
• I have an unyielding testimony of my Savior and his church 

My life should be perfect right? Wrong. There is a hole. A hole that hurts with every breath I take, with every heartbeat. Every time my heart pounds the hole gets bigger. Because he is not here. He is gone.

Two. Whole. Years. 

Yes, I sent off a missionary. And everyday that he is gone, my heart yearns to be with him and yet, he is serving the people of central america. Its all bitter-sweet. Sweet, in such a way as he serving the lord. He will change lives. He is going to work miracles. He will mature and gain a sense of humility. He will back 10 times the guy I knew. I should be happy. But I am not. I am heart broken and wounded. I am lost. I need him.

Okay, so maybe I am a little dramatic.

We are going to call this boy.... Elder. Just Elder. Me and Elder.. Well.. we go way back. I remember specifically being in kindergarten. Elder and my big brother, Joshy Boy [currently serving a mission in Anaheim, California], were best friends growing up. There was a whole group of boys actually. All of them I adored. Oh boy, those second graders had it going on! Because of my adoration, I was subjected to much torture. The span of my entire childhood was filled with hits, kicks, and bruises from my secret loves. Yes, I remember Elder beating me up.

Good times.. good times.

Once those second graders hit 7th grade, the tortured stopped. Those boys stopped coming over because Joshy's friends changed. I forgot about them and moved onto boys my own age. YA YA! Skipping forward a couple years, I entered high school.

Oh, sophomore year. The memories. The best year of my life. Lets just say... I dated a couple guys. One being Elder's best friend. Grrrrr..... I have a STRONG dislike for that man. But that is a different story. Elder and I are not friend, nor would I ever thought we would be. Junior year now rolls around. All my second grade lovers slash my beloved seniors are all headed off to different parts of the country for their missions. Including my brother. My best friend. My constant comfort. He was gone, I was alone.

In result of this pain, tears flowed constantly. I thought it was going to last forever. That following Friday changed my life forever. I decided I needed to try and be happy. In this attempt, I went to our high school football game.

I had never felt so alone.

All my friends were blind to my sorrow and insincerity filled their voices. All I could think was  
"The next two years are going to be like this. My own personal hell."
Once the game ended, I wanted to run home as fast as I could. Before I could take off, I ran into some old friends. My beloved seniors. My mood changed knowing that these boys were filled with the spirit of christ. Their light shone so bright. I couldn't help but smile. As I was conversing with these bretheren, I noticed one hanging in the back. He would not make eye contact with me.

There is something you need to know about me.
If I want to know you, you better buck up. You will be my friend.

I decided to march up to this young man and made it known that I exist. My heart started to pound as I approach his imitating stance.

"When do you leave for your mission, Aaron?"
"The tenth of November." He answered politely.
"Wow, that is coming up! That is oh so very exciting. I believe I heard that you are going to guatemala?" I asked, trying to engage in light conversation.

And BAM!

We clicked.

My life will never be the same from that night.

Everything changed.

That night I fell in love. I truly did. I knew what I was getting myself into. This boy was leaving in a month and a half for two years.. This next month and a half had to be filled with him. My elder.

And let me tell you.

That was the BEST month of 2010.

We spent every second we could with each other. We went to concerts. Stargazing. Late night car rides. Church movies. Dates. Kisses. Fighting. Sneaking out. Dinner. Laughing so hard we were rolling on the floor. Singing our lungs out. Baking treats. Scary movies. Awkard moments. Late night phone calls. Wrestling. Bowling. Life talks. More kisses. Testimonies.
Falling in love.
My life was a fairytale. I don't think there was a happier person to ever walk the earth. My mother told me I was glowing. Life was perfect. I could not ask for anything more. I was living in complete bliss.
Then he left.
He was gone. I was alone.
Most people's heart are broken because of a switch in emotion. One doesn't feel the same as they did before. Mine was different. We were completely in love. Completely content. And in our prime, we were seperated. I know he still loves me. Thats why I am broken. I love him, he loves me. Two years til I can be with him again. BAH.
Another chip off the ol' heart.
I am waiting for my Elder. Lets be honest. I am in high school. I am going to date other boys. Maybe even kiss. But my heart will ALWAYS be with my Elder. He is my Best Friend. Two more years. I can handle it.
I can do this. "

That is how it started. 

A glimpse of our relationship.

I fell. Hard.

Which is completely silly looking back.

I knew he was leaving.

I knew I would be alone.

But isn't that the crazy thing about love?

We take ridiculous risks and bizarre actions,

to catch a smidge of the happiness that comes with another unyielding care and passion?

Well, I have waited.

I pray for Elder every night.

I write him a weekly email every Monday.

I send a letter every two weeks.

I have not kissed a boy since he has left back in November.

Minus the Christmas Assembly, if you know what I'm talking about.

My heart has completely held onto our relationship,

never fully letting fall for another lad.

Well, today, this all came to a close.

I received a letter from my dear Elder.

Yes, it finally came.

I was giddy.

I was screaming.

Running around like a little girl who was surprised with a pony on her birthday.

I ripped the letter open only to find one measly piece of paper.

One paragraph.

That is never a good sign.

As I read the contents of the letter my heart sank.

Buried itself in embarrassment and sorrow.

He began to tell me that:

• He hopes I am enjoying my high school experience.

• And that he doesn't want me hopelessly waiting around for him.

• He frankly said that he is giving his complete all to the Lord, and doesn't have time for anything else or anyone for that matter.

• He requested that I stopped writing him so that he can solely focus on the work.

• He wished me a good life and to enjoy every moment of it.

The end.

I sat there.

Blankly staring at the letter.

I waited for the moister to strike me eyes and fall endlessly down my face.

I waited for the pain to reoccur in the never failing hole punched deep into my chest.

I waited for my body to collapse due to the shock and horror of what the contents of the letter read.

But none of that happened.

I smiled.

Even giggled a bit.

Suddenly I thought, 

Linsey, why in the world are you smiling at a time like this?

I have had to take this whole day, and try to dissect my emotions.

Here is my conclusion.

I am relieved.

I can let him go.

No more tears, no more sorrow for when the letter doesn't show.

I can live my happy high school life,

as a senior,

as an SBO.

I can feel my Savior's love.

His enlightenment.

I know Elder came into my life for a reason, he played a special role.

He taught me what love is.

What I am searching for.

What a relationship should be like.

It's amazing.

Heavenly Father has outstanding ways of working.

He knew this was a lesson I needed to learn.

I am happy.

I am smiling.

Elder can now move on,

and become the best missionary ever on the planet!

I know he will be.

He is that incredible.

Who ever is the lucky girl that marries this young man will win the jackpot of all men.

I am excited for her.

And my true love is out there.

Waiting for me.

Man, I am feeling good.

I can feel my Savior's arms around me,

as he whispers that everything is going to be alright.

And it will be.

Goodbye Elder.

The stories of you will cease to exist on this blog.

I love you.

You will always hold a very dear spot in my heart.

I will never forget you.

Thank you, for all you have taught me.

Go get em, Elder Hill.

I am so proud of you.

Well, This Is As Good As It Gets.

Alright bloggers, listen up.

Update right here.

I talked to my Crush again today.

Honestly, something is wrong me.

I need to take How-To-Talk-To-Boys 101.

Pronto.

Sign me up.

Because if I can get better at this whole communication thing,

maybe he won't think I am such freak?

As he approached, 

I got butterflies and the result was a massive smile that took over my face.

I exclaimed a "Hello" followed with an "How are you?"

He replied that he was good.

Silence.

In utter panic, I began to rack my brain with a conversation starter.

Could I think of anything?

Of course not.

I was under pressure, give me a break.

All I could think of was,

"Say something you idiot, before he walks away!!"

He was one step ahead of me.

"So... Soccer is good."

I, internally, started cracking up.

It was quite the conversation starter.

I'm not going to sugar coat anything,

You can actually feel the nervousness in the air.

We will get over it eventually right?

We then discussed the soccer schedule for the next week and

my attendance to all the games.

Then he asked if he should come to my Dance Company concert

that is coming up in the next month.

I replied that I would love that.

Secretly?

That makes me nervous.

But happy.

Woo.

Good good stuff.

After he left, I throw off my packback

and ran through the halls.

It was kind of exciting.

On another note:

No news from Elder.

It has been a month.

I get his family and friends email every week,

but no letter.

Another realization.

I have been going through the 5 Stages of Grief.
Right now, I am numb.
I try not to think about him.
I don't blog about him.
That time seems like a whole different life.
A completely different realm.
I have shut it out.
My mind is occupied with other things.
Other boys. :)
But deep down?
The pain is still there.
4 1/2 months.
I miss you Elder.
Please write me.
As soon as possible,
Or else.

California in 9 days.
Sunshine here I come.
Disneyland, Linsey Brown is coming your way.

I am running for SBO.
VOTE FOR ME!

Escape.

Guess what?

Chicken Butt.

Since that is out of the way...

Today is an exciting day.

Yes, it is indeed.

March 11th has been marked on my calendar for twenty days.

This is how it goes:

Ten days to send a letter.

Ten days to get one back.

IT COULD BE COMING ANY DAY.

My letter.

A sweet reply from my dearest Elder.

I can hardly handle the anticipation and excitement.

Bahh. 

The second grand thing on my agenda for the day would be:

St. Geeeeeezzyyy.

Hallelujah.

I am escaping this town for a weekend.

A long weekend.

I need sunlight to clear my head.

I need time to think.

I need a care free weekend with some old pals.

The Boyle sisters.

Oh, and lets not forget Mama Boyle.

Pictures will be updated shortly of this glorious event.

It is going to be epic.

No boys.

No drama.

Just a relaxing weekend with the ladies in 80 degree weather.

Once again,

Hallelujah.

Tell me your weekend endeavors. 

I'm sure they will be equally as epic.

Oh the thoughts. :)

Random thoughts in my head.

- This school year is going to be the death of me.

- My letter from Elder should be coming any day.

- I need to paint my fingernails.

- Taylor Swift is my best friend.

- I love this gospel so much.

- I'm extremely beyond tired.

- Attendance school in the morning. What a shame.

- I have senoritis. And I am only a junior.

- I love Mockingjay. It makes me cry.

- Dance Company is fantastic.

- I want to be an SBO next year?

- Wonderboy. What a wonder he is.

- I have 23 hoodies. It's a problem.

- I am still heartbroken. Help?

- It snowed last night.

- I want to go serve at a soup kitchen.

- T-slate is the bestest friend that anyone could ask for.

- I want to ask a boy on a date.

- This list is getting long.

- I have homework to do.

- I am rapping this up.

- Smile at someone you don't know. It'll make their day :)

The Big Bro.

I LOVE ELDER BROWN.

I LOVE MY BROTHER.

I MISS HIM SO MUCH.

I CAN HARDLY EVEN CONTAIN MYSELF.

I JUST WANT TO SEE HIM IN THE FIELD.

VERY BADLY.

I DON'T WANT HIM TO COME HOME YET.

I LOVE HIS LETTERS.

I AM SO PROUD OF HIM.

"Then the spirit slaps you in the face like WHO'S YOUR DADDY!"

- Elder Josh Brown.

BEST QUOTE EVER.

5 MONTHS DOWN.

19 TO GO!

TIME IS FLYING BY!

Always thinking of me :)

He took this to REPRESENT!!

It came. It finally came.

Attention to one, attention to all.

I am pleased to announce the arrival of my long lost lover.

My letter.

My dear beloved letter.

It is here and all is well.

So here's how it all went down.

I decided to spend this much needed minimal day with my dear friend T-slate. After making the rounds around town, we settled in her room to do something productive. Homework, of course was the main goal, but as usual I got distracted by facebook and blog stocking.

That is when my phone began to ring.

It was my father. My amazing father.
He delivered the sweetest news anyone could ever imagine.

He had a present for me.
It had come from Guatemala. 

Instantaneously, I started crying.
Hysterically. 

Finally. My first thoughts were:
My Elder had no forgotten about me.
He had kept his promise.
I still meant something to him. 
I wonder how long it is.
When will I get to read it?
Dad?

Then I remembered I was still on my cellular device.
Papa Brown then asked if he could bring it to me.


Well I couldn't say no, he offered.

That was the longest twenty minutes of my life.
Just listening to my music, trying to write on my blog but excitement overcame all thoughts and words to the point were writing was out of the question.
I had to let facebook know though.

It felt as if I was moving in slow motion.
My phone rings once more. I get up off the floor. I stand and run with the excitement of a five year old. I sprint accross the endless basement and the everlasting stairs. I see the closed door. Before I know it I am outside in the blizzard only to see my father's car in the drive way. He hands my treasure over to me. I thank him and kiss him on the cheek. My fingers are fumbling over the creesed envelope. It is open. I pull the paper out.
I have my letter. In front of me.
Waiting to be read.

One page.
Four weeks of waiting, 
and he only bothers to write one page.

But it one of the sweetest letters I have gotten from my Elder. It may not be the longest one, but it is filled with true intent.

The Highlights:

"I am definately going to be weird when I come back, no doubt, but that is because I am a disciple of Jesus Christ."
Well, at least he can face the fact that he is going to be a weirdy. But with a good cause.

"All I want to do is come home and live the Commandments of the Lord for all my life. But I guess I need to be sealed in the temple too HINT HINT"
Ok, Elder. Wait to be subtle about plans when you get home. I'm waiting.

"Guatemala is awesome except for the freaking Spiders!!"
Ha. Ha. And he didn't believe my mother and her spider stories.
You were warned Elder.

"I hope everything is going great in your life! Probably not with all your surgeries but I know you are a tough girl :)"
Yes, he did put a smiley face. 

"I love you. Everything is cool here. LOVE YOU!!!"
Best part of the letter. He still cares.

What. A. Relief.
I know I should want him to be one hundred percent focused.
I am a seventeen year old girl who is in love. 
Give me a break.

I am smiling a real smile this very moment.
The first time in months that I haven't put on an act.
True happiness.
I am giggling.
I am giddy.
I feel joy.
I am almost whole for this moment in time.
I am happy.

This is how I used to be.

When he was here.

Utterly complete and true happiness.

Thank you Heavenly Father, for answering my prayers. 

Updates:

Letter: 

This most valuable piece of paper and writing is still not to be seen or heard of.

I think it is lost in the mail. 

Or small guatemalan man stole it. 

There is the other alternative. 

My Elder simple never wrote one. 

He is on a mission. He is busy. 

Maybe... Just maybe... he doesn't care anymore. 

He is just so focused and doesn't want to deal with anything back home. 

He wants to act like we never happened.

 Ahhh, Knife to the Heart.

I don't know. I don't know what to think. 

But one thing I do know.

 If this letter isn't here in the next week, I am going to lost all hope. 

The Boys: 

These fine young men as still my best friends.

 I spent this dear Friday night with the youngsters and I had the time of my life. 

They are the greatest people. Thank you for being in my life.

Mr. D: 

I have a date with this young lad later this evening. 

We will have to see where this goes. 

I am scared. 

I am scared to let go of Elder and move on.

 But I need to stop fretting about something that hasn't even happened yet.

 Breathe Linsey, everything is going to be alright.

Music: 

Some of the Favorite Songs.

Photographs and Memories - Jason Reeves

When Life Was Good - Jason Reeves

Wishing Weed - Jason Reeves

Always - Peter Bradley Adams

Right Here Waiting - Richard Marx

The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore - James Morrison

Elder :

I don't know what to do. I can't let go.

 I am scared to be with someone else. 

What if that makes me forget my Elder? 

I am already starting to forget his face, his voice, his touch. 

He was my last real kiss.  

But everyday my memories of him are fading more and more dim. 

Other than my Savior, I have never clung to someone so tightly. 

I refuse to forget Elder. 

No way, No how. 

But.. By doing this, I am not fully living my life.

 I am living in the past. 

And I am unhappy.

 I wish I knew how to let go. 

I can't... I just can't.

School:

I hate you. 

I would sell my kidneys and liver for

Summer to come this very instant.

Ya, thats right.

I do not like you. 

At all.

Brother:

Joshy Boy is doing better than ever.

He is loving the mission

and sharing this true gospel.

I am so proud of him.

Please Come. Soon.

Dear Letter,

Linsey has spent endless hours waiting for your arrival. She sits by the window every day, awaiting your carrier to bring your delivery. And every day, without at out fail, disappointment buries Linsey's heart. She slowly treads back to her meaningless - letter less - life, only to wait for tomorrow. Where are you letter? Please come join your brother and sisters. They cannot wait to meet you.

Sincerely,

Hope.