On The Horizon

Ladies and Gentlemen.

My life.

In quotes.

A new story is on the horizon.

I can feel it.

But I won't ruin the ending now.

Noooo.

That would be silly.

Just know...

The twelfth step in my heartbreak rehabilitation program is about to be complete.

There is a new man in town.

I'm Growing Up Too Fast.

Wow.

I survived my junior year.

I'm alive.

And well.

WHAT IN THE WORLD???

How did this year go by so fast?

How is junior year already over?

I'm a senior?

My heart just dropped.

My belly flopped.

I'm still a sophomore.

I'm still a baby.

A little girl.

I'm five years old at heart.

How am I already a senior?

I'm freaking out here.

FREAKING OUT.

Tonight was graduation.

I watched every single one of my beloved seniors 

take that long walk and receive the diploma they had been waiting twelve years to get.

I cried.

A lot.

Going to school and not seeing

Matt,

Steve,

Emily,

Nate,

Cam,

Maddie,

or any of them...

It is going to kill me.

I am going to be the oldest.

The biggest.

Like I said before...

I'M A 5 YEAR OLD.

I can't handle this whole senior thing.

As I sat at graduation, I made myself a promise.

I will NOT waste a single moment of this next year.

I will live the best senior year any one has ever experienced.

Senioritis shall not overcome me.

I will be the best SBO ever.

I will love everyone.

I will go to EVERYTHING.

I will truly live this next year.

I will make every day worth while.

I will love unconditionally.

I almost can't wait.

It is going to be the best year of my life.

But for now,

it is summer.

And I shall love this warmth.

Embrace the whole no homework gig.

I will have the summer of a life time.

Then the best senior year ever.

And then I move out.

GAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I still have a year of childhood left.

I will love every second of it.

Mark my words.

It Is A Musical of True Dreams.

Dreams come true.

Get ready for it.

Yes.

I am going to be in a Musical.

A high school one.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Ever since I was a little girl I have dreamed of starring in a play.

Always.

Broadway.

That was my goal.

Until I found out I was completely tone deaf and had no ability to act.

This is my chance.

I may just be a back up dancer.

But.

I get to live out my childhood dream.

Yes.

Yes.

YES.

Time To Move On And Invite The Summer.

Tonight is the night I have been waiting for.

Tonight I will see one of my musical icons in person.

And he shall sing for me.

I will sing back.

And we will have a moment.

A boy will be next to me.

One that makes me happier than anyone else.

I hope we dance.

I know I will.

This is his first concert.

I hope it will be special for him.

Because I know it will be for me.

The concert is being at the UCCU center.

I found this out on Friday.

And I almost canceled this little party.

I went up to my room.

I hyperventilated a bit.

After a nap and some craisins,

I pulled myself together.

The last time I entered that center, I went to a concert.

An amazing one in fact.

BOB, Iyaz, and Jason Derulo.

All in one.

I do not enjoy music like that,

but Elder did.

And he wanted me to go with him.

So I went.

And well,

you know how that went.

That was our first date.

Our first connection.

And serendipitously, tonight I shall be sitting one row lower in the same section.

Yes.

Almost to exact same seats.

Elder has been on my mind A LOT lately.

And it's been hard.

Really hard.

Utah County has decided to turn into Seattle.

Rain. Rain. Rain.

Memories. Memories. Memories.

Not to mention,

I am falling for another boy.

Quite fast, and quite hard.

Despite my little cracks and broken heart,

I have let myself trust.

Have faith.

But I can't help but have Elder constantly there in the back of my head.

I know its over.

But all those emotions and feeling I have been trying to repress are opening up again.

But for someone else.

It is terrifying.

I can't get Elder out.

I know he has forgotten about me.

Why can't I forget about him?

And just move on?

Ugh.

I hate love.

I love love.

Summer will help.

No more school, no more stress.

I will just be free.

Completely free.

Summer is the time when girls go barefoot, 

and their hearts are just as free as their toes.

I am not going to hold back.

I know I will have regrets if I do.

I won't let thoughts of Elder drag me down.

I am going have faith.

I love the Notebook.

It makes me smile.

It makes me cry.

Here is a quote I have altered. 

I believe it fits my life.

Enjoy.

My Dearest Elder. 

I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. 
I love you. I'll be seeing you. Love, Linsey. 

Another Day of Joy.

I love love.

Don't you?

Feeling giddy and appreciated?

Swooned and special?

Ya.

It's the best.

Especially when communication is present.

It's neat.

I don't know why he still makes me nervous.

I see him,

and my mind fumbles,

my tummy fills with fluttering creatures,

and my feet carry me in the opposite direction.

It's not okay.

I spent the whole day banging my head into the desk

thinking of how pathetic I act when I see him down the hall,

and I sprint away.

I get so scared.

Then I hear my name down the hall.

"Puffs! Hey Puffs!"

Long story.

I began to wonder why I was so nervous in the first place.

When we talk, we just click.

He makes me so happy and giggly.

I came home and my mom asked me why I was so smiley.

She looked at me curiously then said

Never mind, I know why.

And chuckled to herself as she walked away.

Mothers.

Think they know everything. 

Probably because they do.

I can feel myself falling.

I'm terrified,

but at the same time,

I could not be more excited.

Another Disney scene.

Aladin and Jasmine.

Classic.

Enjoy.

A Little Look Into The Brain Of Linsey.

I hate chemistry.

I hate school.

I need summer.

To be exact I want a summer love.

That is one experience I am yet to live.

Hmmmmm.

We will see how that works out.

I love my best friend.

He's 6'9".

He enjoys carrying me to my car.

Or he will one day.

I don't know what I will do without him when he graduates.

Probably cry.

No surprise there. 

Did I mention I hate school?

I

Need

Summer!

Now.

You know what?

I quite school

and life.

Yep.

Put a fork in me because I am done.

I'll just marry a rich old man.

Who cares about true love right?

Not me.

Of course.

Just kidding.

I would rather be dirt poor and married to the man of my dreams.

And create my own happiness.

:) 

I still have a Crush.

(Place a thousand smilies here)

It's neat.

His presences makes me blush,

and smile,

and swoon,

and...

Man.

Life is good.

Just bring on the sunshine baby.

And lets get this summer started!

Swings and Delightful Things.

Guys. 

I did it.

I swung on the beloved device that I have been dreaming of for months and months.

The Swing.

Epic.

I know.

Not only did I complete a goal I had been aspiring to accomplish, 

I did so with my Crush.

Yes.

Someone pinch me.

Actually don't.

That would hurt.

But I was myself.

And was I awkward?

You betcha!

But only a little bit, so it's okay.

I'm getting better.

Also, I talked to a new friend.

I like her.

She makes me smile.

YOU know who you are. 

Yep,

I feel cool knowing that this young lady is going to read this.

You inspire me.

Thank you for being so wonderful.

And our connecting moments.

That is all.

I love nights like this.

Go hug your mom.

It is her special day.

The Adventures And Testimonials Of A Slumbering Girl.

Dreams are answers to questions we haven't yet figured out how to ask.  ~X-Files


Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you.  ~Marsha Norman


All the things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams.  ~Elias Canetti


Dreams are excursions into the limbo of things, a semi-deliverance from the human prison.  ~Henri Amiel


Pay attention to your dreams - God's angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep.  ~Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994


Dreams say what they mean, but they don't say it in daytime language.  ~Gail Godwin


In dreams, we enter a world that's entirely our own.  ~Steven Kloves

Dreams.

Have you ever experienced one so painfully real,

that you wake up from your humble sleep

with a moist forehead and strong hyperventilation?

I did.

Today.

When I got home from a never ending day of school,

I had either the option to complete several chores

or take a relaxing nap.

What would you choose?

I laid in my queen size bed,

turned on my ipod to my Elder playlist,

and began dozing off.

Suddenly I was at a movie theater.

I took a seat by my friend's mother and we started eating some of her homemade treats.

We watched some sort of show that had lots of green.

That's all I can remember.

The lights came on and they were dim.

As my little eyes were adjusting,

I turned behind myself to crack my stiff back.

I locked eyes with him.

My Elder.

Sitting in the very back.

Still wearing his church clothes,

he was hunched over with head hanging.

My breathing stopped.

He was supposed to be on a mission.

Why was he sitting in the small theater watching a screen of green?

As everyone started exiting,

I tried to push my way to him.

Everyone was in the way.

No one would let me through.

I was pushing and pushing.

Shoving and shoving.

Finally, I approached him.

He was still sitting in the exact same position with his head hung low.

I stood there,

not knowing what to say or do.

Where do I start after that letter?

Slowly,

he raised his head.

Our eyes met.

Locked.

Neither of us could look away.

My heart melted.

Those were the eyes that I feel in love with so many months ago,

the eyes that told me they loved me.

Now they only stared at me with hardness and regret.

I was taken back.

He shook his head and stood up.

He was a lot taller than I remembered.

"Linsey, I didn't expect to see you here."

"You are supposed to be on your mission. Why are you here?"

He began to explain that he came home to stop the wedding of his ex-girlfriend who he has always been in love with.

(My biggest fear, and she is in real life engaged. So. That's fine)

He turned.

And left.

Without another word.

I walked out of the theater defeated,

tears already forming in my eyes.

I entered the little girls room to wash my hands.

It's a weird tendency I have.

When something goes wrong I have to wash my hands right away.

Cleaning myself.

Interpret as you wish.

When I exited there stood my brother.

Smiling his perfect smile with a row of bright teeth.

I stared at him.

Ridiculously.

"Holy cats. YOU are supposed to be on your mission. What is going on?"

"I just wanted to come see if you were okay."

He put his arm around my shoulder and lead me to a near by bench.

Tears started to flow.

Everything I have been holding in.

All the anger.

All the hurt.

The betrayal.

The time wasted.

All the tears.

Every emotion.

I sobbed into his white ironed shirt.

I looked up at him waiting for the usual comment of:

"Linsey, stop being dramatic."

"Pull yourself together."

"You are embarrassing yourself."

Nope.

He hugged me a little tighter.

Smiled, and with a shrug, she said

"Baby sister. Everything is going to be perfect in the end. Heavenly Father loves you. Your Savior is here. Waiting for you to come to him. Don't push him away. He is here for you like I am. Please don't forget us. Please."

Once more,

I lost it.

We talked.

We discussed every issue in my life.

My new goals and hobbies.

My newly established achievements.

Heart aches and that cause of all these tears.

I had my brother back momentarily.

All too soon,

he stood up.

He told me he had to go.

I clung to his shirt, begging my best friend not to leave me.

He said duty was calling and that I will be able to talk to him on Sunday.

My mind couldn't rap around what was going on.

It was all too real.

Everything was so confusing.

I started to sprint after him,

to find no one down the hall.

Nothing.

My hands began to shake and leaned against the wall for support.

Sliding to floor,

I just remember shaking my head.

BAM.

I was in my bed.

Sitting against the backboard.

Breathing fast, sweat pouring down my face.

What is the world just happened??

Seriously.

I don't know.

I needed my brother.

He is my best friend.

And with the craziness of my life,

I was in dyer need of his advice.

I don't understand dreams.

I don't know why they exist or what purpose they serve.

But one thing is for sure.

Heavenly Father blessed me with a conversation from my brother. 

He is watching over me.

Joshy has been gone 7 months.

It has flown by.

I miss him.

Every second of everyday.

I love my best friend.

Families will be together forever.

I know this.

And I could not be more grateful.