The Awkward Life. It's Normal.

On a scale of one to awkward,

how weird was my day?

AWWKKWAAARRDDDD.

Lets start from the beginning, shall we?

My alarm didn't go off.

I woke up late.

That's always a great way to start of the day.

I rushed to practice my fitness routine.

For the pageant.

Someone shoot me now.

I was late.

My teacher was mad.

I had to leave early.

She wasn't pleased.

With a slicked ponytail and the awkwardest of polos

I headed off to the parade.

I don't quite know why...

But I shut off when I'm around my council.

I don't know what to say.

How to act.

What's right and what's wrong.

I just become very quiet.

It's an issue.

The parade was hot.

Very hot.

We chanted and threw bouncy balls at little children's heads.

I would say it was a definite success.

At the end of the parade, I jumped off our little trailor.

Slowly, I drug my feet along the blackened concrete.

I lifted my head towards the warm sky,

and smiled.

As my eyes shifted downward, there they were.

Walking in their red uniforms, hair in a bow.

Before I could even think,

My legs took off into a sprint.

I took out the red head.

She didn't even see me coming.

The tackling and hugs began.

My three cheerleaders.

I pulled away and looked at my life.

There stood my bestestestest friends.

In their cheer uniforms, with the personae of a champions.

I looked down and saw my charchoal polo hanging loosely.

For a split second,

I wished things were diferent

I wished I wasn't an SBO.

I wished they weren't cheerleaders.

In that moment I would have given my liver and kidney

to go back to how things used to be.

Dance Company.

Our sisterhood.

We were one.

No difference.

But as I snapped back to reality I realized that those thoughts were silly.

If things never changed, 

how would we ever grow?

So I put on a smile for them and told them how my summer had been.

I hugged each of them.

And stood there as they walked away in their little skirts.

It was hard.

It was really hard.

I walked back to our little trailer and didn't say a word the whole drive back.

I gave two of my favorite council members rides home.

The entire time holding back tears.

Some news was dropped on my head like a bomb.

I was crushed.

All I wanted to do was sleep.

I walked in my door and hugged my mother.

In that moment,

the tears released.

I let all the pain out.

The lonliness.

The saddness.

Everything.

Once I was done with my little episode,

I crawled onto my couch.

And passed out for the next 6 hours.

Didn't I tell you sleep is my cure to depression?

Ya, I was out for the count.

I woke up.

Took a shower.

I had to clean all my emotions off.

Got decently ready,

and headed off to be with my cheerleaders.

I needed them.

I needed reassurance that we really would be best friends forever.

And we had fun.

I could tell they were distant... 

But that's okay.

I was too.

We went to the car show.

The carnival.

We had a barbeque.

Then the fireworks.

And let me tell you,

Everyone and their dog was there.

And this is where the awkwardness roles into play.

I saw all my seniors.

My heart leaped every time I saw one of their smiling faces.

I saw my sophomores.

Now that put a smile on my face.

My asian.

My best friend.

It was great.

They made lots of jokes.

I laughed and shook it off.

Awkward moment number one.

I take it back.

I hate sophomores.

Their immaturity astounds me.

Then I saw the boy that created quite a mess in my life.

I tried to act natural.

My usual smilely self.

But someitmes...

Things just naturally get awkward.

And jokes are made.
There is that oh so awkward I eye contact.
Then...
 The two of us just busted up laughing.
Because we are close.
And what happened isn't a secret.
So we walked halfway to my car.
Came up with an awkward handshake.

Talking to another friends I turn the corner and my life honestly froze.
For a split second all I could hear was my fluttering heart.
I didn't know whether to run.
Or whether to go up and talk to them.
So instead I just stood there as awkwardly as possible.
Typical.
The four of us.
She loved him.
They were best friends.
He kissed me.
That boy was my crush.
They were close
Now.
We don't talk.
They like each other.
We're close friends.
They don't talk.
There still kind of friends.
And everything has switched.
And we all know it.
So here we are.
All trying to act normal when inside we are literally having a heart attack.
I tried to stay calm.
Smile as much as I could.
And a little too soon,
I said goodbye.
Hyperventilating a little bit,
I turned the corner.

And I took off into a sprint.
Across the entire school and the parking lot.
I had to get my stress out some way.
Once I reached the seminary building I fell to the ground.
I cried for a bit.
What a mess I had made of my life.
Seriously.

I proceeded to drive home,
blasting T-Swift.

My life.
So awkward.
But you know what?
It's definitely interesting...
And I think I can live with that.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I'm an idiot.

End of story.

Shall I expand?

No.

I won't.

Because I am pathetic.

This always happens.

Every. Single. Time.

Just man up Linsey.

You can do it.

Just kidding.

You can't.

Does this make any sense?

Nope.

Even in my jumbled little mind nothing seems to fit.

I've done this a million times over.

But for whatever the reason maybe,

it's always new and terrifying.

So now I lay here in my bed.

Shaking my head.

Actually banging it into the head board.

Tomorrow night.

I shall redeem myself.

Mark my words.

Velour, here I come.

Oh.

And you.

The one that says I should delete my blog.

Go on a mission.

It will do you good.

And get out of my business.

Thank you.

If Only This Brain Would Shut Down.

in·som·ni·a/inˈsämnēə/

Noun: Habitual sleeplessness; inability to sleep.

I suffer.

False.

I believe the correct term is

noc·tur·nal/näkˈtərnl/

Adjective: Done, occurring, or active at night

Sleep is unattainable at night time.

Impossible.

My mind is racing at the speed of light.

I can't stop thinking about a boy I might lose due to stupidity.

How I might have single handedly destroyed something I really cared about.

How it might all be over.

But is it for the better?

What if this other proposal works out nicely?

What do I do?

I need to go on a drive with this young fellow.

Talk about what we both want.

Where we stand.

Why does he have to be on the other side of the country?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I don't like this.

But I don't take it back.

Not one bit.

No regrets.

Because you only live once.

And life is about taking chances and just...

Living.

And being a stupid teenager.

Which I am.

Oh the jumblings of my mind.

It will all work out.

I hope.

And I will have the best summer of my life.

Regardless of my current situation.

Now brain,

Please sleep.

Now.

And...

Shut off.

RIGHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTT

Now.

Dang it.

Still awake.

Can't I Just Get Over It?

Isn't it weird?

How you live in the now and eight months ago feels like a dream?

Eight months ago seemed like a fairy tale of blissful happiness that seems 

completely unattainable now.

It was a completely different life.

I almost don't even recognize it now.

A life where I was little sixteen year old and everything was so new.

A life where I found a boy full of the Spirit.

A very special boy.

One who had no idea, but he made me fall.

Hard. 

He caught a broken girl with way too many flaws and imperfections.

A girl who messed up time after time.

A girl who wanted to love.

Ready to give.

Ready to share.

But a girl with a sheltered heart.

Who put on a mask of a smile and an obnoxious laugh,

but a girl who had put up walls due to reckless boys that caused her heart to crack.

Without her knowledge,

He came into her life suddenly.

And in the blink of an eye, this girl and boy became best friends.

She spent time with him.

He understood her.

Even when she started making all her animal noises,

he would chuckle with her giggles and hopelessly role his eyes.

Then he would grab her face,

stare into her hard gray eyes and say with a smile,

"If you make that dang dinosaur noise one more time, I am going to make you wish you were dead."

The girl could barely keep herself from laughing, and managed a small imitation of dear Little Foot.

He slightly shook his head.

BOOM!

Tackle.

Tickle.

Scream.

Kisses.

(Another small dinosaur roar)

And the cycle began all over.

He brought out the best in her.

He calmed her when the craziness of life made her frantic.

He helped her fight her internal battles of being a teenage girl.

His shoulder was always there to cry on.

And while she cried, he would sing happy songs and fussle with her hair.

He would crack a stupid joke and laughed at himself when the girl was too depressed to respond.

He would do anything for her.

And she for him.

It was a completely different realm where this girl was completely content.

Every moment was filled with a smile and nothing could bring her down.

High school was a drag because he was done with that phase of life.

She had no need to waste her time with the little people of the school because all she ever wanted to do was spend every free moment with him.

Thats all.

And she had never been so happy.

It was a time where a simple text meant, go to the Special Spot.

A time when they could lay in the middle of the freezing road.

Stare at the stars.

He didn't say much.

And neither did she.

Silence was welcomed.

For in those moments,

She could hear the brush of the grass against the cold October pavement.

She could fully grasp the comfort of the warmth as his arms tightly wound around her.

She could hear his breathe and wrap her mind in the rhythm of the sound.
Breathe in.

Breathe out.

It was that simple.

That easy.

Not a care took her mind as she laid on that street wrapped in the arms of her first love.
She would begin to shiver.
Her jaw would chatter.
With a simple ease of a swing,
She would be cradled in his sculpted arms and plopped into the back of his car.
And there is where they would talk.
And laugh.
And argue.
And fight.
And scream.
And cry.
And kiss.
Yes, they would kiss.
He stole her heart.
Completely.
There was no turning back.
He was everything she ever wanted.
All she wanted.

I think back to how effortless it was.

With him.

And tears begin to sting my eyes.

No matter how hard I try,

He is always there.

Always in the back of my mind.

I want him to leave.

Go away.

Let me live.

Let me love and care and fall.

But thats never going to happen.

Not soon any way.

It feels as though it was a dream.
It never happened.
It was never real.

There is no trace of him anywhere.
No facebook.
No pictures.
No emails.
No letters.
Nothing.
He has completely disappeared.
Sometimes I question if I just imagined the whole thing.
If he ever took me on those dates.
If we ever sat in my basement and watched every church movie possible.
If at his farewell, he pulled me onto his lap with his family and loved ones all around and whispered in my ear, telling me that I'm his girl. That I always will be.
If we went to that one concert.
If we made those cookies.
If we got in that big fight.
If he had to pull over because his hands were shaking with rage.
If we just looked at each other, then busted up laughing.
If he threw those pebbles at my window.
If he ever told me he loved me.
If he ever cared.
Because now I am not so sure.
It's as though he never existed.
All I have are his letters.
The material proof of letters formed into words that he cared.
Once upon a time I meant something to him.
One time he loved me.
As I care about him.

My heart still hurts.

It's weak.

I try to be strong.

I try to smile and go on with my life as smiley as possible.

But in the end,

I am still that broken girl.

With new cracks.

With new breaking points and new scars.

I miss him.

I still cry.

He is still my everything.

It kills me to admit it.

But he is.

Just Love Life. Please, For Me.

The Forbidden Love.

Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs;
Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes;
Being vex'd a sea nourish'd with lovers' tears:
What is it else? a madness most discreet,
A choking gall and a preserving sweet.

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief,
That thou her maid art far more fair than she:
Be not her maid, since she is envious;
Her vestal livery is but sick and green
And none but fools do wear it; cast it off.
It is my lady, O, it is my love!
O, that she knew she were!
She speaks yet she says nothing: what of that?
Her eye discourses; I will answer it.
I am too bold, 'tis not to me she speaks:
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,
Having some business, do entreat her eyes
To twinkle in their spheres till they return.
What if her eyes were there, they in her head?
The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars,
As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven
Would through the airy region stream so bright
That birds would sing and think it were not night.
See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand!
O, that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek!

Both quotes from the one and only William Shakespeare.

So, you see. 

I have reached a dilemma.

There is a boy I like to call Romeo.

We have a forbidden love.

For he is a squashmore.

No... wait.

A junior?

Since I'm a senior?

Nope, still a sophomore.

But little fact. 

He has swept me off my little feet.

He sings for me.

He blogs about me.

Every time I lay my eyes on him,

a smile spreads across my face.

He touches my chin,

and butterflies completely fill my tummy.

I find myself thinking about him a lot.

I adore him.

Another wee problem.

We are just so busy, 

it is impossible to find time this busy summer season to spend some time with one another.

I hate it. 

I just want to play with him.

Plus he emailed me all the dates of full moons....

What???

What a champ.

Romeo oh Romeo... 

I'm Growing Up Too Fast.

Wow.

I survived my junior year.

I'm alive.

And well.

WHAT IN THE WORLD???

How did this year go by so fast?

How is junior year already over?

I'm a senior?

My heart just dropped.

My belly flopped.

I'm still a sophomore.

I'm still a baby.

A little girl.

I'm five years old at heart.

How am I already a senior?

I'm freaking out here.

FREAKING OUT.

Tonight was graduation.

I watched every single one of my beloved seniors 

take that long walk and receive the diploma they had been waiting twelve years to get.

I cried.

A lot.

Going to school and not seeing

Matt,

Steve,

Emily,

Nate,

Cam,

Maddie,

or any of them...

It is going to kill me.

I am going to be the oldest.

The biggest.

Like I said before...

I'M A 5 YEAR OLD.

I can't handle this whole senior thing.

As I sat at graduation, I made myself a promise.

I will NOT waste a single moment of this next year.

I will live the best senior year any one has ever experienced.

Senioritis shall not overcome me.

I will be the best SBO ever.

I will love everyone.

I will go to EVERYTHING.

I will truly live this next year.

I will make every day worth while.

I will love unconditionally.

I almost can't wait.

It is going to be the best year of my life.

But for now,

it is summer.

And I shall love this warmth.

Embrace the whole no homework gig.

I will have the summer of a life time.

Then the best senior year ever.

And then I move out.

GAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I still have a year of childhood left.

I will love every second of it.

Mark my words.

A Late Night and A Stupid Movie.

It is 3:16.

I am still awake.

How?

I am asking myself the same question.

Tonight, this morning to be exact,

I went to the midnight premiere of this fine movie.

I watched the first fifteen minutes,

then slept like a baby for the next hour.

I do not know how that happened.

I didn't like the ending.

It doesn't make sense.

A few questions I have.

What was the purpose of the pig?

Where did the mermaid take the priest?

How in the world did the mermaid get into the fountain of youth?

Did I miss something?

Man.

I want my money back.

On our way to the Megaplex theater,

my two red headed long lived childhood friends and I,

decided to document the night.

We're special.

Very special.

At one point in the evening,

I was somehow left to guard the car,

while every other member of our party went into the gas station.

Typical Linsey situation.

So as I sat in the car all by my lonesome,
in hopes to entertain myself,

I took out my camera.

I have always had the biggest pet peeve.

When girls take pictures of themselves, 

in the passenger side of the car 

or

infront of the mirror.

I HATE IT.

I can't exactly explain why.

I don't like it.

Soo... I decided to make a tribute.

Please enjoy some lovely photos.

Like I said before,

Lovely.

Am I right?

If you ever wonder what Linsey enjoys doing in her spare time,

well, 

this is it.

Anyways,

I love late nights.

After my many distractions I am finishing this post at 3:51.

Time for some sleepy-sleep.

Ladies and gentlemen.
I bid thee farewell.

The Adventures And Testimonials Of A Slumbering Girl.

Dreams are answers to questions we haven't yet figured out how to ask.  ~X-Files


Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you.  ~Marsha Norman


All the things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams.  ~Elias Canetti


Dreams are excursions into the limbo of things, a semi-deliverance from the human prison.  ~Henri Amiel


Pay attention to your dreams - God's angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep.  ~Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994


Dreams say what they mean, but they don't say it in daytime language.  ~Gail Godwin


In dreams, we enter a world that's entirely our own.  ~Steven Kloves

Dreams.

Have you ever experienced one so painfully real,

that you wake up from your humble sleep

with a moist forehead and strong hyperventilation?

I did.

Today.

When I got home from a never ending day of school,

I had either the option to complete several chores

or take a relaxing nap.

What would you choose?

I laid in my queen size bed,

turned on my ipod to my Elder playlist,

and began dozing off.

Suddenly I was at a movie theater.

I took a seat by my friend's mother and we started eating some of her homemade treats.

We watched some sort of show that had lots of green.

That's all I can remember.

The lights came on and they were dim.

As my little eyes were adjusting,

I turned behind myself to crack my stiff back.

I locked eyes with him.

My Elder.

Sitting in the very back.

Still wearing his church clothes,

he was hunched over with head hanging.

My breathing stopped.

He was supposed to be on a mission.

Why was he sitting in the small theater watching a screen of green?

As everyone started exiting,

I tried to push my way to him.

Everyone was in the way.

No one would let me through.

I was pushing and pushing.

Shoving and shoving.

Finally, I approached him.

He was still sitting in the exact same position with his head hung low.

I stood there,

not knowing what to say or do.

Where do I start after that letter?

Slowly,

he raised his head.

Our eyes met.

Locked.

Neither of us could look away.

My heart melted.

Those were the eyes that I feel in love with so many months ago,

the eyes that told me they loved me.

Now they only stared at me with hardness and regret.

I was taken back.

He shook his head and stood up.

He was a lot taller than I remembered.

"Linsey, I didn't expect to see you here."

"You are supposed to be on your mission. Why are you here?"

He began to explain that he came home to stop the wedding of his ex-girlfriend who he has always been in love with.

(My biggest fear, and she is in real life engaged. So. That's fine)

He turned.

And left.

Without another word.

I walked out of the theater defeated,

tears already forming in my eyes.

I entered the little girls room to wash my hands.

It's a weird tendency I have.

When something goes wrong I have to wash my hands right away.

Cleaning myself.

Interpret as you wish.

When I exited there stood my brother.

Smiling his perfect smile with a row of bright teeth.

I stared at him.

Ridiculously.

"Holy cats. YOU are supposed to be on your mission. What is going on?"

"I just wanted to come see if you were okay."

He put his arm around my shoulder and lead me to a near by bench.

Tears started to flow.

Everything I have been holding in.

All the anger.

All the hurt.

The betrayal.

The time wasted.

All the tears.

Every emotion.

I sobbed into his white ironed shirt.

I looked up at him waiting for the usual comment of:

"Linsey, stop being dramatic."

"Pull yourself together."

"You are embarrassing yourself."

Nope.

He hugged me a little tighter.

Smiled, and with a shrug, she said

"Baby sister. Everything is going to be perfect in the end. Heavenly Father loves you. Your Savior is here. Waiting for you to come to him. Don't push him away. He is here for you like I am. Please don't forget us. Please."

Once more,

I lost it.

We talked.

We discussed every issue in my life.

My new goals and hobbies.

My newly established achievements.

Heart aches and that cause of all these tears.

I had my brother back momentarily.

All too soon,

he stood up.

He told me he had to go.

I clung to his shirt, begging my best friend not to leave me.

He said duty was calling and that I will be able to talk to him on Sunday.

My mind couldn't rap around what was going on.

It was all too real.

Everything was so confusing.

I started to sprint after him,

to find no one down the hall.

Nothing.

My hands began to shake and leaned against the wall for support.

Sliding to floor,

I just remember shaking my head.

BAM.

I was in my bed.

Sitting against the backboard.

Breathing fast, sweat pouring down my face.

What is the world just happened??

Seriously.

I don't know.

I needed my brother.

He is my best friend.

And with the craziness of my life,

I was in dyer need of his advice.

I don't understand dreams.

I don't know why they exist or what purpose they serve.

But one thing is for sure.

Heavenly Father blessed me with a conversation from my brother. 

He is watching over me.

Joshy has been gone 7 months.

It has flown by.

I miss him.

Every second of everyday.

I love my best friend.

Families will be together forever.

I know this.

And I could not be more grateful.