Eight Months Gone And I'm Still Reaching.

I don't even know what to say.

8 months.

Of tears.

Of heartache.

Of lonliness.

Of trying to move on.

Of... hell.

I can't believe I have made it this far.

I'm still broken.

Completely.

So..

Instead of explaining my life,

Why not revert to Taylor Swift songs?

Because I'm pretty sure she secretly watches my life with a hidden camera.

Her songs are completely relevant to my life.

I love it.

Music is a story.

I created this playlist.

Our relationship.

Taylor Swift style.

Lets begin.

Enchanted

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonder-struck, blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
This night is flawless, don't you let it go
I'm wonder-struck, dancing around all alone
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

Jump Then Fall

I like the way you sound in the morning
We're on the phone and without a warning
I realize your laugh is the best sound
I have ever heard
I like the way I can't keep my focus
I watch you talk, you didn't notice
I hear the words but all I can think is
We should be together
Every time you smile, I smile
And every time you shine, I'll shine for you

Sparks Fly

If you want to know the story

go here:

Drop everything now, Meet me in the pouring rain.

I promise.

It's a great story.

Our Song

Our song is the slamming screen door
Sneakin' out late, tapping on your window
When we're on the phone and you talk real slow
'Cause it's late and your mama don't know
Our song is the way you laugh
The first date man, I didn't kiss her and I should have
And when I got home, 'fore I said amen
Asking God if He could play it again

Crazier

You lift my feet off the ground
Spin me around
You make me crazier, crazier
Feels like I'm falling and I
I'm lost in your eyes
You make me crazier,

I'm Only Me When I'm With You

I'm only up when you're not down.
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground.
It's like no matter what I do.
Well you drive me crazy half the time;
the other half I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true.
And I'm only me when I'm with you.

The Other Side of The Door


With your face, and your beautiful eyes
And the conversation
With the little white lies.
And the faded picture
Of a beautiful night
You carried me from your car
up the stairs
And I broke down cryin'
Was she worth this mess?
After everything and that little black dress
After everything I must confess,
I need you

Mine


You said, "I remember how we felt sitting by the water
And every time I look at you, it’s like the first time
I fell in love with a careless man’s careful daughter
She is the best thing that’s ever been mine."
Hold on, make it last
Hold on, never turn back

Ok. This deserves a story.
Because it is one of my favorites.

So it was our last date.
We just got done eating dinner at Outback
and he were headed to the Brit's apartment to spend our second to last night together.
Little thing about Elder.
He HATES Taylor Swift.
Can't stand her.
I don't know why.
But this song came out and I was completely obsessed because it reminded me of him perfectly.
So on our way to the apartment,
this song came on the radio.
I totally flipped.
I blasted it.
And started belting at the top of my lungs.
He didn't like that too much.
He kept trying to turn it down, but I insisted.
Then... We got lost.
He had no idea where we were.
Okay given... we were on University Parkway in Provo
but we did not know how to get to the Brit's apartment.
So here I am.
Belting and singing, trying to convince him of my love.
He is screaming at me to shut up and is about to blow up.
I am laughing my guts out.
He suddenly pulls over to the side of the busy street.
Leans over me and opens my door.
He clearly states that
 if I as so much make another little giggle I can walk home.
I look him in the eye.
And let out the biggest giggle ever giggled on the planet.
Before I could even comprehend what happened,
He leaped out of his seat and tackled me,
out of the car,
and there we laid on the grass of University Parkway.
With his body on top of mine he whispers
"I'll make you pay for that."
And the tickling and kissing began.
I couldn't move.
Nor did I want to.
So that song is dear to me.
We decided it could be one of our songs.
Well... I did.
He didn't approve.
But I believe it was appropriate.

Today Was A Fairytale

Can you feel this magic in the air?
It must have been the way you kissed me
Fell in love when I saw you standing there
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale


This song is the song of our last date.
Because indeed,
he did wear a dark gray t-shirt and I did wear a dress.
And I did fall in love.

Long Live

Long live the walls we crashed through
While the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming, long live all the magic we made
And bring on all the pretenders, I'm not afraid
Long live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you
I was screaming, long live the look on your face
And bring on all the pretenders, one day we will be remembered

This is the theme song of our relationship.
It truly is.

Ours

Seems like there's always someone who disapproves
They'll judge it like they know about me and you
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do
The jury's out, but my choice is you
So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high
The waters rough
But this love is ours

Superman

And I watch you fly around the world
And I hope you don't save some other girl
Don't forget, don't forget about me.
I'm far away but I'll never let you go
I'm lovestruck and looking out the window
Don't forget, don't forget where I'll be
Right here wishing the flowers were from you
Wishing the card was from you
Wishing the call was from you
'Cause I've loved you from the very first day

Breathe


Music starts playin like the end of a sad movie
It's the kind of ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy
And it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around
And we know it's never simple
Never easy
Never a clean break
No one here to save me
You're the only thing I know
Like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe without you, 
But I have to


If This Was A Movie

Listen for yourself.
It's my theme song for my life right now.


Tim Mcgraw


But when you think Tim McGraw
I hope you think my favorite song
The one we danced to all night long
The moon like a spotlight on the lake
When you think happiness
I hope you think that little black dress
Think of my head on your chest
And my old faded blue jeans
When you think Tim McGraw
I hope you think of me


And I hope when he gets back our life will still follow...


Mary's Song


Well, I was sixteen when suddenly
I wasn't that little girl you used to see
But your eyes still shined like pretty lights
And our daddies used to joke about the two of us
They never believed we'd really fall in love
And our mamas smiled and rolled their eyes
And said oh my my my...
Take me back to the creek beds we turned up
Two A.M. riding in your truck and 
all I need is you next to me
Take me back to the time we had our very first fight
The slamming of doors instead of kissing goodnight
You stayed outside till the morning light
Oh my my my my
A few years had gone and come around
We were sitting at our favorite spot in town
And you looked at me, got down on one knee...






Thank you Taylor Swift for writing my life.
It helps.
A lot.

16 more to go.
I can do this.
1/3 of the way done.
That's exciting.

Miss you Elder.

We Are A Team. Full of Fashion and Friendship.

Once upon a time,

I was so blessed.

Heavenly Father works in mysterious ways.

Yes, he does.

What am I talking about?

May I just say...

ALLYSE'S BRIDAL FASHION TEAM 2012

Some say it looks awesome.
Others say stupid.
Some say neat.
Others say silly.

But one thing I know for sure.
It might be one of the best things to ever happen to me.

Friday Morning 7:30 am
My hands were shaking as I walked through those cold metal mall doors.
I turned the corner and entered the store.
It was a room of crowded people.
I have never felt so alone.
I turned in my luggage and grabbed a muffin by the mirrors.
The greens carpet caught my attention as I thought of what my friends were doing that day.
Seven Peaks?
Maybe a night under the stars with their bodies pressing into the thick green grass?
Whatever it was,
I wouldn't be there.
Small talk was made.
No one really willing to be their one hundred percent self.
We sat in a circle.
I mainly looked at the ground.
I could not think of ONE thing to say.
Not one.
Then a girl with very long blonde hair asked if she could squeeze in.
She was soft spoke.
The ultra polite type.
I was intrigued.
She was quite the opposite of me.
Luckily she was a dancer.
So that made a click from the start.
We discussed local studios and different school programs.
Turns out she is from Lone Peak,
and fifteen minutes away from my house.

I was in the Blue Group.
Also known as Gucci.
We played get to know you games.
I shared my passing out problem and all my favorite things.
Turns out the blonde was in my group again.
I really liked her.

We had a fashion class from the funniest old lady.
Half the stuff she said...
Ya, we did NOT expect that to come out of her.
My favorite type of apparel would be Romantic.
I learned that.
I was informed I had a M butt.
Yay for me.

At lunch is where the magic happened.
I sat by the two Lone Peak representatives and something happened.
I didn't have to try to make conversation.
I didn't have to worry about my every thought.
I didn't feel the pressure to be perfect.
I was me.
Happy little me.
And I knew these girls would become close friends.
I had that little tingle in the stomach,
And I could feel Heavenly Father shining over me.
I could feel his warmth.
His brightness.
And friendships were formed.
To the point,
Where we are moving in with one another when we graduate down in the red rocks.
We are going to college with each other.
And only after 4 hours.

We had walking classes.
And we learned our path on the Runway.
Dresses were sized and distributed.
I got a pretty one.
It made me feel like a princess.

We got to check into our hotel.
I roomed with the three most adorable girls on this planet.
We watched What Not To Wear.
It fit the theme of our gathering.
With only 30 minutes of down time,
We were off once more.

Luau baby.
And let me just say,
Exciting things happened.
I rolled down a BIGG hill.
I attempted different types of rolls but I only ended up nearly kill myself.
My ladies and I played on the giant elastic.
Running til we couldn't stop laughing.
Running til I fell flat on the bottom.
Running til I couldn't run no more.
As we laid under the shade with our heartbeats high,
I smiled in the warm sun.
This felt so easy.
So natural.
No one expected me to be anyone.
They didn't know my past.
They know the girl I have come to be and what I stand for this very moment.
And they loved me.
They appreciated me.
And I love them.
Maybe a little bit more.

See what I'm talking about?
What beauts.
We ate unbelievable food.
We're talking three big plates full.
Modesty was discussed with cute men from BYU and premissionary boys.
It was fantastic.

That night I went swimming.
Hot tubbing.
Spent the night buy chocolate,
running away from football players,
and watching My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.
I was completely content.
The happiest I had been in a long time.

The next morning we had a two hour photo shoot.
Linsey and her awkward life.
It was bad.
Then the ladies and I went shopping.
We went into a photo booth.
We are a little crazy.

Best friends?

I say yes.

Then we got ready for the runway.

Did I mention I was awkward?

The blonde and I had to sprint to the bathroom to wipe off all the gunk and creams.

We laughed.

We helped each other.

She's one of my bestest friends.

Did I mention we are moving in with each other once we graduate?

Ya, we are.

Here are some pictures.

Happiness.
Pure happiness.

I love my Fashion Team.
Every single girl.
Motto time?
Modest is hottest.

Doesn't Get Better Than This.

Summer nights.

Best.

Thing.

Ever.

Long boarding with one of my most favorite people in this planet.

And a McDonalds run with my ladies.

Life doesn't get better than this.

And Things Went Better Than Planned.

First Week of Summer.

Done.

Check.

Things accomplished:

• Watched Twlight
• Watched New Moon
• Watched Eclipse
• Watched Harry Potter 6
• Watched Harry Potter 7
• Read half of Twilight
• Read half of Harry Potter 7
• Worked a 25 hour week
• Attempted to go to Seven Peaks
• Devoured 3 different flavored snow cones
• Made cookies
• Went to the temple
• And sucessfully hung out with my cousins every night

I have vetoed high school.

I don't want to talk to anyone.

I don't want to do anything crazy.

In the words of Bruno Mars

"Today I don't feel like doing anything.

I just want to lay in my bed.

Don't feel like picking up my phone,

So leave a message at the tone.

Cuz today I don't feel like doing anything."

That has been my motto.

I have not put at ounce of make up on my face in the last week.

Nor have a put any heat or product to my hair.

If ever I need to look semi-ly decent,

the mane is thrown back into a slicked ponytail.

Because you know why?

I don't really care anymore.

I have given up on having a crazy summer.

Everyone is gone,

And I have no thrive to do anything insane.

Instead I would rather spend my days working.

Or sleeping.

Or...

Spending time with the most amazing ladies in the world.

My cousins.

They make me laugh so hard,

Diet Coke spurts out my nose.

And that hurts.

So we laugh even harder.

We giggle until our tummies hurt and we are crying for oxygen.

We realize maybe we aren't the most obsessed fans in the world because we never worried about the oil or whether they weigh foam or concrete.

And we are grateful we haven't reached that point.

We spend the night discussing our ties, glasses, and tickets as we watch part 1 of Harry Potter 7.

I have never been so happy.

Because here's the thing.

Friends are going to come and go.

It's high school.

Life is constantly changing.

You lose friends to cheerleading.

You gain some through Student Council.

Change.

Change.

Change.

One thing is constant.

And that is family.

No matter how much you want them go away at times,

or how annoyed you get,

Family is never going to change.

After high school,

you are never going to see half the people you are surrounded by everyday.

But where ever you go in life,

or whatever you become,

Family is always there to back you up.

And I'm glad I have realized this now.

Because I have the coolest family ever!

We are nuts.

I am never going to be able to bring a boy to a family party because I know they will scare him off.

We have to be engaged first.

So then he can't back out.

But that is why I love my extended family so dearly.

We are so blunt.

And hilarious.

I love it.

I love them.

Today I went to the temple for the first time in ten months.

Why so long you ask?

To be honest I don't know.

Things just come up.

And I lost the drive to go.

I forgot how much I loved that place.

And how it clears your mind.

It helps you set your priorities right.

It brings you happiness.

You feel your savior closer than ever.

My goodness.

And since I haven't been on the temple grounds in almost a year,

I decided to document the day.

One thing about Linsey?

I'm really into photography.

Lots.

I wish I was better and more creative...

But what can you do?

I like editing.

Bringing out the natural beauty in everything and everyone.

Making every detail brighter and full of happiness.

And on temple grounds?

Complete happiness.

If ever you are struggling.

Feeling weak or down.

Insecure or alone.

Go to the House of the Lord.

It's fantastic how things work out. 

Oh, The Days Of Happiness.

I can remember my last night with him perfectly.

It was the 8th of November. Elder was leaving on the 10th for the MTC. This Monday was a chance for us to say goodbye and spend our final moments together.

As usual, we met at our secret spot.

To this day, no one knows where it is. It is our little secret.

It is beyond special to me, I have not been there since that night.

Anyways,

We met up at 8, and my curfew was pushed to midnight because of the occasion.

Four hours.

That was all we had to be with each other.

I remember his car pulling around the corner.

My heart dropped knowing this was the last time I would witness his arrival to our precious spot.

We got out of our cars simultaneously.

Before I knew it, I was being spun in the air.

A perfect moment in the arms of my Elder.

He was a little excited to see me. 

When our embrace finally ended, I looked into his eyes.

A better definition would be melted.

I can still remember the pain that shown through his ice blue eyes.

Softly, he placed his hand of the back of my neck and drew me in.

Never in my life had I known a more powerful kiss.

It was gentle and soft, but the pain of the situation stung every moment.

After he pulled away, I saw this moment for what it truly was.

This kiss was the first of our last moments together for two years.

My heart shattered that very second.

I would not waste this night.

In anyway.

After climbing into the backseat of his car, our night really began.

We took the first hour to bear our testimonies to each other.

I have NEVER felt the spirit so strong.

The testimony of a soon-to-be missionary is outstanding.

The faith and willingness of his heart was remarkable.

I was blown away.

I only fell that much harder.

The next hour was... well... very intimate. 

Can you really blame us?

This was our last time together, 

Of course he was going to catch all the rain he could before his two year drought.

Bur randomly, at one point, he pulled away and became angry.

Almost furious.

I began to wonder what in the world I did to trigger this emotion.

Suddenly he exclaimed:

"Why now?! I have waited for my the girl of my dreams for all of high school. We even went to school together! Why are you in my life now? Right before I leave? We could have been so happy my entire senior year. Why did it have to happen like this?" and so forth.

I was shocked. My face was probably priceless.

I knew I had thought these thoughts before but I never knew they crossed Elder'smind.

My reply was:

"Ok, lets go back to your senior year. Where were you mentally? Where were you spiritually? Lets be honest, you are a different person than you were back in high school. What we have is special, and it means so much more because we are more mature now. Lets just be grateful that this did happen. And that we are in love now."

That was the first time love was ever brought up.

I buried my head in his chest, trying to disguise the initial shock and embarrassment.

I did not know how he would react.

If that would ruin everything.

I knew I felt it, but I was never quite sure where he stood.

Silence.

Cricket cricket.

Oh great, I just ruined everything.

After an eternity, Elder surprised me.

He slid me onto his lap and cradled me in his arms.

For about ten minutes we just sat in quietness.

I was in complete bliss.

At least he didn't shun me like I thought he would.

To my surprise, he began to tickle words onto my back.

This entertained us for a while, he wrote a word, I would guess it.

Silly sayings, inside jokes.

Before I knew it, he wrote.

I am in love with you.

My head snapped up instantly.

I stared at him. 

Ridiculously.

"Linsey, I have never had stronger feelings for any other girl in my life. I am in love you. I want you to wait for me. I know I could marry and be the happiest guy alive."

Ohhhhh myyyyyy goodness.

Talk about your heart stopping!

Giddiness filled my body, and I just leaned in to kiss him.

Just taking a walk down memory lane.

What I would give to go back to that night...

Can't I Just Get Over It?

Isn't it weird?

How you live in the now and eight months ago feels like a dream?

Eight months ago seemed like a fairy tale of blissful happiness that seems 

completely unattainable now.

It was a completely different life.

I almost don't even recognize it now.

A life where I was little sixteen year old and everything was so new.

A life where I found a boy full of the Spirit.

A very special boy.

One who had no idea, but he made me fall.

Hard. 

He caught a broken girl with way too many flaws and imperfections.

A girl who messed up time after time.

A girl who wanted to love.

Ready to give.

Ready to share.

But a girl with a sheltered heart.

Who put on a mask of a smile and an obnoxious laugh,

but a girl who had put up walls due to reckless boys that caused her heart to crack.

Without her knowledge,

He came into her life suddenly.

And in the blink of an eye, this girl and boy became best friends.

She spent time with him.

He understood her.

Even when she started making all her animal noises,

he would chuckle with her giggles and hopelessly role his eyes.

Then he would grab her face,

stare into her hard gray eyes and say with a smile,

"If you make that dang dinosaur noise one more time, I am going to make you wish you were dead."

The girl could barely keep herself from laughing, and managed a small imitation of dear Little Foot.

He slightly shook his head.

BOOM!

Tackle.

Tickle.

Scream.

Kisses.

(Another small dinosaur roar)

And the cycle began all over.

He brought out the best in her.

He calmed her when the craziness of life made her frantic.

He helped her fight her internal battles of being a teenage girl.

His shoulder was always there to cry on.

And while she cried, he would sing happy songs and fussle with her hair.

He would crack a stupid joke and laughed at himself when the girl was too depressed to respond.

He would do anything for her.

And she for him.

It was a completely different realm where this girl was completely content.

Every moment was filled with a smile and nothing could bring her down.

High school was a drag because he was done with that phase of life.

She had no need to waste her time with the little people of the school because all she ever wanted to do was spend every free moment with him.

Thats all.

And she had never been so happy.

It was a time where a simple text meant, go to the Special Spot.

A time when they could lay in the middle of the freezing road.

Stare at the stars.

He didn't say much.

And neither did she.

Silence was welcomed.

For in those moments,

She could hear the brush of the grass against the cold October pavement.

She could fully grasp the comfort of the warmth as his arms tightly wound around her.

She could hear his breathe and wrap her mind in the rhythm of the sound.
Breathe in.

Breathe out.

It was that simple.

That easy.

Not a care took her mind as she laid on that street wrapped in the arms of her first love.
She would begin to shiver.
Her jaw would chatter.
With a simple ease of a swing,
She would be cradled in his sculpted arms and plopped into the back of his car.
And there is where they would talk.
And laugh.
And argue.
And fight.
And scream.
And cry.
And kiss.
Yes, they would kiss.
He stole her heart.
Completely.
There was no turning back.
He was everything she ever wanted.
All she wanted.

I think back to how effortless it was.

With him.

And tears begin to sting my eyes.

No matter how hard I try,

He is always there.

Always in the back of my mind.

I want him to leave.

Go away.

Let me live.

Let me love and care and fall.

But thats never going to happen.

Not soon any way.

It feels as though it was a dream.
It never happened.
It was never real.

There is no trace of him anywhere.
No facebook.
No pictures.
No emails.
No letters.
Nothing.
He has completely disappeared.
Sometimes I question if I just imagined the whole thing.
If he ever took me on those dates.
If we ever sat in my basement and watched every church movie possible.
If at his farewell, he pulled me onto his lap with his family and loved ones all around and whispered in my ear, telling me that I'm his girl. That I always will be.
If we went to that one concert.
If we made those cookies.
If we got in that big fight.
If he had to pull over because his hands were shaking with rage.
If we just looked at each other, then busted up laughing.
If he threw those pebbles at my window.
If he ever told me he loved me.
If he ever cared.
Because now I am not so sure.
It's as though he never existed.
All I have are his letters.
The material proof of letters formed into words that he cared.
Once upon a time I meant something to him.
One time he loved me.
As I care about him.

My heart still hurts.

It's weak.

I try to be strong.

I try to smile and go on with my life as smiley as possible.

But in the end,

I am still that broken girl.

With new cracks.

With new breaking points and new scars.

I miss him.

I still cry.

He is still my everything.

It kills me to admit it.

But he is.