Friday, June 29, 2012

My Friends Are Better Than Your Friends.

Remember when I said I have the bestestestest friends in the world?
Well, check out these fine ladies.

Not only are every single one of them absolutely gorgeous,
I have never in my life seen another group of girl who love each other as much as we do.
I don't know what I would do without these girls.
They are my life.
My best friends.
I love them.


So ummmmmmm....
My best friends are better than your best friends.
That's all.
Be jealous.
I know I would be.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

I Don't Understand Dreams.

Dreams are answers to questions we haven't yet figured out how to ask.  ~X-Files

Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you.  ~Marsha Norman

All the things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams.  ~Elias Canetti

Dreams are excursions into the limbo of things, a semi-deliverance from the human prison.  ~Henri Amiel

Pay attention to your dreams - God's angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep.  ~Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994

Dreams say what they mean, but they don't say it in daytime language.  ~Gail Godwin

In dreams, we enter a world that's entirely our own.  ~Steven Kloves

Have you ever experienced one so painfully real,
that you wake up from your humble sleep
with a moist forehead and strong hyperventilation?

I did.
Last night.

After a relaxing night of low key television watching,
and deep talks with the mama,
I laid in my queen size bed,
turned on my ipod to my slow jamz playlist,
and began dozing off.

Suddenly I was at a movie theater.
I took a seat by my friend's mother and we started eating some of her homemade treats.
We watched some sort of show that had lots of green.
That's all I can remember.
The lights came on and they were dim.
As my little eyes were adjusting,
I turned behind myself to crack my stiff back.
I locked eyes with him.
My Elder.
Sitting in the very back.
Still wearing his church clothes,
he was hunched over with head hanging.
My breathing stopped.
He was supposed to be on a mission.
Why was he sitting in the small theater watching a screen of green?
As everyone started exiting,
I tried to push my way to him.
Everyone was in the way.
No one would let me through.

I was pushing and pushing.
Shoving and shoving.

Finally, I approached him.
He was still sitting in the exact same position with his head hung low.
I stood there,
not knowing what to say or do.
Where do I start after everything we have been through?
he raised his head.
Our eyes met.
Neither of us could look away.
My heart melted.
Those were the eyes that I fell in love with over a year and a half ago,
the eyes that told me they loved me.
Now they only stared at me with hardness and regret.
I was taken back.
He shook his head and stood up.
He was a lot taller than I remembered.

"Linsey, I didn't expect to see you here."

"You are supposed to be on your mission. Why are you here?"

He began to explain that he came home to stop the wedding of his ex-girlfriend who he has always been in love with.
(My biggest fear, and she is really married now. So. That's fine)
He turned.
And left.
Without another word.

I walked out of the theater defeated,
tears already forming in my eyes.
I entered the little girls room to wash my hands.
It's a weird tendency I have.
When something goes wrong I have to wash my hands right away.
Cleaning myself.
Interpret as you wish.

When I exited there stood my brother.
Smiling his perfect smile with a row of bright teeth.
I stared at him.

"Holy cats. YOU are supposed to be on your mission. What is going on?"

"I just wanted to come see if you were okay."
He put his arm around my shoulder and lead me to a near by bench.

Tears started to flow.
Everything I have been holding in.

All the anger.
All the hurt.
The betrayal.
The time wasted.
All the tears.
Every emotion.
I sobbed into his white ironed shirt.

I looked up at him waiting for the usual comment of:

"Linsey, stop being dramatic."
"Pull yourself together."
"You are embarrassing yourself."


He hugged me a little tighter.
Smiled, and with a shrug, he said

"Baby sister. Everything is going to be perfect in the end. Heavenly Father loves you. Your Savior is here. Waiting for you to come to him. Don't push him away. He is here for you like I am. Please don't forget us. Please."

Once more,
I lost it.

We talked.
We discussed every issue in my life.
My new goals and hobbies.
My newly established achievements.
Heart aches and that cause of all these tears.
I had my brother back momentarily.

All too soon,
he stood up.
He told me he had to go.
I clung to his shirt, begging my best friend not to leave me.
He said duty was calling and that I will see him in three months time.
My mind couldn't rap around what was going on.
It was all too real.
Everything was so confusing.
I started to sprint after him,
to find no one down the hall.
My hands began to shake and leaned against the wall for support.
Sliding to floor,
I just remember shaking my head.

I was in my bed.
Sitting against the backboard.
Breathing fast, sweat pouring down my face.

What is the world just happened??


I don't know.

I needed my brother.
He is my best friend.
And with the craziness of my life,
I was in dyer need of his advice.

I don't understand dreams.
I don't know why they exist or what purpose they serve.
But one thing is for sure.
Heavenly Father blessed me with a conversation from my brother. 
He is watching over me.

Joshy will be home in three months.
It has flown by.
Kind of.
I miss him.
Every second of everyday.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

The World Is On My Side.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is
Not Think
Not Wonder
Not Imagine
Not Obsess
Just Breathe.
And have faith that everything will work out for the best. 

Sometimes you will never know the
true value of a moment,
Until it becomes a memory.

"Promise me you will not spend so much times treading water 
and trying to keep your head above the waves 
that you forget, 
truly forget, 
how much you have always loved to swim."
-Tyler Knot Gregson

Not knowing what the future holds terrifies me.
By the end of this year,
Some of my biggest questions are going to be answered.
November is coming.
And I am starting to freak out.
Every dandelion, every 11:11, every shooting star,
have been for this upcoming November,
and now that it is almost here,
I am starting to lose my sanity.
Day by day.
Little by little.

He asked me about my missionary tonight.
What I was going to do.
I flat out said,
"I dont know.
No matter what or who I choose, someone is going to end up hurt.
I don't want that. I hate that."

So we will cross that bridge when we get there.

For now,
For the next couple of months,
This is the pledge I will live by:

I promise to be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
I will look at the sunny side of everything
and make my optimism come true.
Think only of the best,
Work only for the best,
And expect only the best.
Forget the mistakes of the past,
And press on to greater achievements in the future.
I will give so much time to the improvement of myself
that I will have no time to criticize others.
I will live in the faith that the whole world is on my side as long as 
I am true to the best that is in me.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

You. Just You.

I was afraid of falling again. 
I thought things like this took time, like a fine wine aging in the cellar.
I was wrong. 

You've given me that feeling I thought I lost so long ago.
You've touched my heart so deeply with your gentle touch.

Words can't explain how thankful I am of you.
You have brought me my smiles back.

The moments that we have shared, the memories we make.
My world has changed now that you are here.
I've opened up my everything to you because I trust you.

When we are together, happiness is everywhere.
You and me.
Who would have thought?

I know we get on each other's nerves a lot.
I tease you about your preference for blondes.
You always bash on my university choice.
I point out that I could bring my future husband to your farewell.
You push away my kisses.
All the time.
I'm sooo glad you find humor in my humiliation.
You never fail to make it clear that you can always one up me.
In everything.
It gets annoying.
Sometimes your moody.
I just want to slap you.
You pout.
Then I get annoyed.
Then we are both upset and sit there in complete silence.
I look at you.
Wait for the apology.
You just sit there.
As stubborn as your father.
Then one of us will give in and 
When you grab my hand,
I can't even remember why I was mad.

You make my heart melt, and my stomach fill with butterflies.
You leave me speechless and yet full of laughter.
You look at me and my heart starts skipping beats.
My face starts to glow. 
And my eyes start to twinkle. 
Imagine what you do to me when you smile!

When I look into your eyes, my heart starts racing and I see myself falling for you.
It doesn't make sense to me, that's why I trust it.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Nicholas Sparks Summer. Thats Me.

Every aspect of my life is planned.
Every little detail is perfectly settled.
The future gives me anxiety because it cannot be controlled.
But I find peace in the present knowing I have complete control.

This was not part of the plan.

The way I feel about him,
Not. Part. Of. The. Plan.

I feel like I am living in a Nicholas Sparks novel.
Living the perfect summer.
I am living the life most girls dream about.
To find a relationship that is so deep, pure, and good.

My mom loves him.
She says he's perfect for me.
He calms me.
Which we all know I need.

But at the same time...

This has been one of the best weeks of my life.

Every night,
It has just been us.
We talk about everything and anything.
Not one thing is awkward.
We talk about us.
He constantly tells me he has never been happier.
He tells me he couldn't ask for anyone better.

I tell him that he knows that isn't true.
That I'm awkward.
I'm the biggest procrastinator in the world.
I have no desire to work.
I just want to play all the time.
I shove off responsibilities.
I'm very insecure with the way I look.
I make animal noises all the time.
I have no musical ability what-so-ever.
I'm terrified to grow up.
I'm terrified to loose him.

He just laughs.
Shakes his head.
"Those things are all the things I love about you.
You wouldn't be you without them.
I don't want someone who is perfect.
I want you."


We've gotten to the point where we say the exact same thing at the exact same moment.
I finish his sentences, he finishes mine.
He isn't afraid to hold my hand in front of my family.
He isn't afraid to hold my hand anywhere.

Tonight, was the best.
I went to his house.
He had a million little cousins running around.
Complete chaos.
He doesn't like that.
So we went outback on his tramp and stargazed.
My most favorite thing in the world.
His little cousins kept dropping in on us,
Calling us lovers, telling us to stop kissing, and that I'm a keeper.
I was dying.
We were both on one.
I have never laughed so hard.
I was crying.
When do I ever laugh so hard that tears fall?
But I couldn't stop.
Neither could he.
We both had tears streaming down our faces because we were so happy.
My tummy hurt because I stop giggling.
We are so happy together.
Everything is happy when I am with him.

After we settled down,
We laid there, tangled up, and started talking about the future.
I'm leaving.
He's going back to high school.
My missionary is coming home.
He needs to date.
But we want to make it work.
We will make it work.
I don't want to lose him.
I can't lose him.
I almost went into hysterics thinking about it.
He shhhhhed me down and just played with my hair.
He didn't say anything for a long time.
Oh no.
Maybe he didn't feel the same.
Maybe this is just a one way street.

"All day I have been thinking about this last month.
Since prom.
Since I made the hardest decision I have ever made.
And I know I made the right choice.
I've gone through too much to lose you.
I won't let you go.
Not now.
Not anytime soon."


I feel like I'm living a fairytale.
How did I become this girl?
The lucky one?
All I know is Heavenly Father has sent me the most amazing blessing.
I have trusted him with all my heart.
Knowing that eventually I would be happy.
He wouldn't let me hurt forever.
And now,
I am floating on air.
All the time.

This wasn't part of the plan.
But I guess,
It is good to be spontaneous sometimes.