Eight Months Gone And I'm Still Reaching.

I don't even know what to say.

8 months.

Of tears.

Of heartache.

Of lonliness.

Of trying to move on.

Of... hell.

I can't believe I have made it this far.

I'm still broken.

Completely.

So..

Instead of explaining my life,

Why not revert to Taylor Swift songs?

Because I'm pretty sure she secretly watches my life with a hidden camera.

Her songs are completely relevant to my life.

I love it.

Music is a story.

I created this playlist.

Our relationship.

Taylor Swift style.

Lets begin.

Enchanted

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go
I'm wonder-struck, blushing all the way home
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
This night is flawless, don't you let it go
I'm wonder-struck, dancing around all alone
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

Jump Then Fall

I like the way you sound in the morning
We're on the phone and without a warning
I realize your laugh is the best sound
I have ever heard
I like the way I can't keep my focus
I watch you talk, you didn't notice
I hear the words but all I can think is
We should be together
Every time you smile, I smile
And every time you shine, I'll shine for you

Sparks Fly

If you want to know the story

go here:

Drop everything now, Meet me in the pouring rain.

I promise.

It's a great story.

Our Song

Our song is the slamming screen door
Sneakin' out late, tapping on your window
When we're on the phone and you talk real slow
'Cause it's late and your mama don't know
Our song is the way you laugh
The first date man, I didn't kiss her and I should have
And when I got home, 'fore I said amen
Asking God if He could play it again

Crazier

You lift my feet off the ground
Spin me around
You make me crazier, crazier
Feels like I'm falling and I
I'm lost in your eyes
You make me crazier,

I'm Only Me When I'm With You

I'm only up when you're not down.
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground.
It's like no matter what I do.
Well you drive me crazy half the time;
the other half I'm only trying to let you know that what I feel is true.
And I'm only me when I'm with you.

The Other Side of The Door


With your face, and your beautiful eyes
And the conversation
With the little white lies.
And the faded picture
Of a beautiful night
You carried me from your car
up the stairs
And I broke down cryin'
Was she worth this mess?
After everything and that little black dress
After everything I must confess,
I need you

Mine


You said, "I remember how we felt sitting by the water
And every time I look at you, it’s like the first time
I fell in love with a careless man’s careful daughter
She is the best thing that’s ever been mine."
Hold on, make it last
Hold on, never turn back

Ok. This deserves a story.
Because it is one of my favorites.

So it was our last date.
We just got done eating dinner at Outback
and he were headed to the Brit's apartment to spend our second to last night together.
Little thing about Elder.
He HATES Taylor Swift.
Can't stand her.
I don't know why.
But this song came out and I was completely obsessed because it reminded me of him perfectly.
So on our way to the apartment,
this song came on the radio.
I totally flipped.
I blasted it.
And started belting at the top of my lungs.
He didn't like that too much.
He kept trying to turn it down, but I insisted.
Then... We got lost.
He had no idea where we were.
Okay given... we were on University Parkway in Provo
but we did not know how to get to the Brit's apartment.
So here I am.
Belting and singing, trying to convince him of my love.
He is screaming at me to shut up and is about to blow up.
I am laughing my guts out.
He suddenly pulls over to the side of the busy street.
Leans over me and opens my door.
He clearly states that
 if I as so much make another little giggle I can walk home.
I look him in the eye.
And let out the biggest giggle ever giggled on the planet.
Before I could even comprehend what happened,
He leaped out of his seat and tackled me,
out of the car,
and there we laid on the grass of University Parkway.
With his body on top of mine he whispers
"I'll make you pay for that."
And the tickling and kissing began.
I couldn't move.
Nor did I want to.
So that song is dear to me.
We decided it could be one of our songs.
Well... I did.
He didn't approve.
But I believe it was appropriate.

Today Was A Fairytale

Can you feel this magic in the air?
It must have been the way you kissed me
Fell in love when I saw you standing there
It must have been the way
Today was a fairytale


This song is the song of our last date.
Because indeed,
he did wear a dark gray t-shirt and I did wear a dress.
And I did fall in love.

Long Live

Long live the walls we crashed through
While the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming, long live all the magic we made
And bring on all the pretenders, I'm not afraid
Long live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you
I was screaming, long live the look on your face
And bring on all the pretenders, one day we will be remembered

This is the theme song of our relationship.
It truly is.

Ours

Seems like there's always someone who disapproves
They'll judge it like they know about me and you
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do
The jury's out, but my choice is you
So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high
The waters rough
But this love is ours

Superman

And I watch you fly around the world
And I hope you don't save some other girl
Don't forget, don't forget about me.
I'm far away but I'll never let you go
I'm lovestruck and looking out the window
Don't forget, don't forget where I'll be
Right here wishing the flowers were from you
Wishing the card was from you
Wishing the call was from you
'Cause I've loved you from the very first day

Breathe


Music starts playin like the end of a sad movie
It's the kind of ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy
And it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around
And we know it's never simple
Never easy
Never a clean break
No one here to save me
You're the only thing I know
Like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe without you, 
But I have to


If This Was A Movie

Listen for yourself.
It's my theme song for my life right now.


Tim Mcgraw


But when you think Tim McGraw
I hope you think my favorite song
The one we danced to all night long
The moon like a spotlight on the lake
When you think happiness
I hope you think that little black dress
Think of my head on your chest
And my old faded blue jeans
When you think Tim McGraw
I hope you think of me


And I hope when he gets back our life will still follow...


Mary's Song


Well, I was sixteen when suddenly
I wasn't that little girl you used to see
But your eyes still shined like pretty lights
And our daddies used to joke about the two of us
They never believed we'd really fall in love
And our mamas smiled and rolled their eyes
And said oh my my my...
Take me back to the creek beds we turned up
Two A.M. riding in your truck and 
all I need is you next to me
Take me back to the time we had our very first fight
The slamming of doors instead of kissing goodnight
You stayed outside till the morning light
Oh my my my my
A few years had gone and come around
We were sitting at our favorite spot in town
And you looked at me, got down on one knee...






Thank you Taylor Swift for writing my life.
It helps.
A lot.

16 more to go.
I can do this.
1/3 of the way done.
That's exciting.

Miss you Elder.

The Awkward Life. It's Normal.

On a scale of one to awkward,

how weird was my day?

AWWKKWAAARRDDDD.

Lets start from the beginning, shall we?

My alarm didn't go off.

I woke up late.

That's always a great way to start of the day.

I rushed to practice my fitness routine.

For the pageant.

Someone shoot me now.

I was late.

My teacher was mad.

I had to leave early.

She wasn't pleased.

With a slicked ponytail and the awkwardest of polos

I headed off to the parade.

I don't quite know why...

But I shut off when I'm around my council.

I don't know what to say.

How to act.

What's right and what's wrong.

I just become very quiet.

It's an issue.

The parade was hot.

Very hot.

We chanted and threw bouncy balls at little children's heads.

I would say it was a definite success.

At the end of the parade, I jumped off our little trailor.

Slowly, I drug my feet along the blackened concrete.

I lifted my head towards the warm sky,

and smiled.

As my eyes shifted downward, there they were.

Walking in their red uniforms, hair in a bow.

Before I could even think,

My legs took off into a sprint.

I took out the red head.

She didn't even see me coming.

The tackling and hugs began.

My three cheerleaders.

I pulled away and looked at my life.

There stood my bestestestest friends.

In their cheer uniforms, with the personae of a champions.

I looked down and saw my charchoal polo hanging loosely.

For a split second,

I wished things were diferent

I wished I wasn't an SBO.

I wished they weren't cheerleaders.

In that moment I would have given my liver and kidney

to go back to how things used to be.

Dance Company.

Our sisterhood.

We were one.

No difference.

But as I snapped back to reality I realized that those thoughts were silly.

If things never changed, 

how would we ever grow?

So I put on a smile for them and told them how my summer had been.

I hugged each of them.

And stood there as they walked away in their little skirts.

It was hard.

It was really hard.

I walked back to our little trailer and didn't say a word the whole drive back.

I gave two of my favorite council members rides home.

The entire time holding back tears.

Some news was dropped on my head like a bomb.

I was crushed.

All I wanted to do was sleep.

I walked in my door and hugged my mother.

In that moment,

the tears released.

I let all the pain out.

The lonliness.

The saddness.

Everything.

Once I was done with my little episode,

I crawled onto my couch.

And passed out for the next 6 hours.

Didn't I tell you sleep is my cure to depression?

Ya, I was out for the count.

I woke up.

Took a shower.

I had to clean all my emotions off.

Got decently ready,

and headed off to be with my cheerleaders.

I needed them.

I needed reassurance that we really would be best friends forever.

And we had fun.

I could tell they were distant... 

But that's okay.

I was too.

We went to the car show.

The carnival.

We had a barbeque.

Then the fireworks.

And let me tell you,

Everyone and their dog was there.

And this is where the awkwardness roles into play.

I saw all my seniors.

My heart leaped every time I saw one of their smiling faces.

I saw my sophomores.

Now that put a smile on my face.

My asian.

My best friend.

It was great.

They made lots of jokes.

I laughed and shook it off.

Awkward moment number one.

I take it back.

I hate sophomores.

Their immaturity astounds me.

Then I saw the boy that created quite a mess in my life.

I tried to act natural.

My usual smilely self.

But someitmes...

Things just naturally get awkward.

And jokes are made.
There is that oh so awkward I eye contact.
Then...
 The two of us just busted up laughing.
Because we are close.
And what happened isn't a secret.
So we walked halfway to my car.
Came up with an awkward handshake.

Talking to another friends I turn the corner and my life honestly froze.
For a split second all I could hear was my fluttering heart.
I didn't know whether to run.
Or whether to go up and talk to them.
So instead I just stood there as awkwardly as possible.
Typical.
The four of us.
She loved him.
They were best friends.
He kissed me.
That boy was my crush.
They were close
Now.
We don't talk.
They like each other.
We're close friends.
They don't talk.
There still kind of friends.
And everything has switched.
And we all know it.
So here we are.
All trying to act normal when inside we are literally having a heart attack.
I tried to stay calm.
Smile as much as I could.
And a little too soon,
I said goodbye.
Hyperventilating a little bit,
I turned the corner.

And I took off into a sprint.
Across the entire school and the parking lot.
I had to get my stress out some way.
Once I reached the seminary building I fell to the ground.
I cried for a bit.
What a mess I had made of my life.
Seriously.

I proceeded to drive home,
blasting T-Swift.

My life.
So awkward.
But you know what?
It's definitely interesting...
And I think I can live with that.

And Now, I'm Going To Kill Someone.

THUD THUD.
What in the world?

People just threw water balloons at my window

They drove away screaming profanities at the top of their lungs.

I haven't talked to anyone in a week.

And this happens.

I hate high school.

The Universe Loves To Make Me Miserable. Typical.

Fate hates me.

End of story.

The end. 

Good bye.

Okay.

So my entire junior year there was a senior boy I had a masssssive crush on.

We never talked.

I just admired him from afar.

The entire year.

I knew I would never be good enough for him,

so instead of embarrassing myself,

I just always kept a secret eye out for him and never made my love known to anyone.

Then one day,

We had a seminary assembly during one of the last weeks of school.

He decided to get up and bear his unyielding testimony.

It brought my to tears.

Not only was this boy charming and handsome, his testimony was burning and bright.

After the little meeting I marched my way up to him and thanked him for his thoughts.

He smiled that champion smile of his.

My knees went a little week.

We spent the next couple of weeks acting as though we have been close friends all year.

And it meant the world to me.

I waited at least an hour in line for him to sign my yearbook.

Once I finally received his,

I made a spur of the moment decision.

I documented my secret infatuation forever and for all of eternity in his book of the year.

It probably took up 3/4 of his page.

Yep.

So now he knows.

I left my number with a simple request that we might call me and we shall play.

So the first week of summer passed.

I knew my expectations were far too unrealistic.

I mean, I just want to be his friend.

Nothing less, nothing more.

But still, at the end of the week, no call.

Then tonight.

I'm sitting of the book of Faces were his name pops up.

He says,

"You know, I tried to call you 4 times this week. 

The number didn't work... 

I was really bummed."

My heart stopped.

My stomach sank.

STUPID MINUTES.

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO RUN OUT???

I sat at home every night.

WAITING.

Hoping that this boy might call me.

And he tried to.

And my phone didn't work.

So I sat.

And got fat.

And did absolutely NOTHING.

Am I fuming?

You betcha.

I hate my life.

And fate hates me.

End of story.

Plus, 

This lad leaves for the next week on a canyon adventure.

So now.

I must wait a WHOLE week to see him.

Gosh dang it.

But on the plus side,

I will have minutes on the 16th.

So we should be golden by time he arrives home.

Okay.

Thats my ramble for today.

I'll let you know how it goes when this fellow decides to pop into my life again.

And pray he does.

Can't I Just Get Over It?

Isn't it weird?

How you live in the now and eight months ago feels like a dream?

Eight months ago seemed like a fairy tale of blissful happiness that seems 

completely unattainable now.

It was a completely different life.

I almost don't even recognize it now.

A life where I was little sixteen year old and everything was so new.

A life where I found a boy full of the Spirit.

A very special boy.

One who had no idea, but he made me fall.

Hard. 

He caught a broken girl with way too many flaws and imperfections.

A girl who messed up time after time.

A girl who wanted to love.

Ready to give.

Ready to share.

But a girl with a sheltered heart.

Who put on a mask of a smile and an obnoxious laugh,

but a girl who had put up walls due to reckless boys that caused her heart to crack.

Without her knowledge,

He came into her life suddenly.

And in the blink of an eye, this girl and boy became best friends.

She spent time with him.

He understood her.

Even when she started making all her animal noises,

he would chuckle with her giggles and hopelessly role his eyes.

Then he would grab her face,

stare into her hard gray eyes and say with a smile,

"If you make that dang dinosaur noise one more time, I am going to make you wish you were dead."

The girl could barely keep herself from laughing, and managed a small imitation of dear Little Foot.

He slightly shook his head.

BOOM!

Tackle.

Tickle.

Scream.

Kisses.

(Another small dinosaur roar)

And the cycle began all over.

He brought out the best in her.

He calmed her when the craziness of life made her frantic.

He helped her fight her internal battles of being a teenage girl.

His shoulder was always there to cry on.

And while she cried, he would sing happy songs and fussle with her hair.

He would crack a stupid joke and laughed at himself when the girl was too depressed to respond.

He would do anything for her.

And she for him.

It was a completely different realm where this girl was completely content.

Every moment was filled with a smile and nothing could bring her down.

High school was a drag because he was done with that phase of life.

She had no need to waste her time with the little people of the school because all she ever wanted to do was spend every free moment with him.

Thats all.

And she had never been so happy.

It was a time where a simple text meant, go to the Special Spot.

A time when they could lay in the middle of the freezing road.

Stare at the stars.

He didn't say much.

And neither did she.

Silence was welcomed.

For in those moments,

She could hear the brush of the grass against the cold October pavement.

She could fully grasp the comfort of the warmth as his arms tightly wound around her.

She could hear his breathe and wrap her mind in the rhythm of the sound.
Breathe in.

Breathe out.

It was that simple.

That easy.

Not a care took her mind as she laid on that street wrapped in the arms of her first love.
She would begin to shiver.
Her jaw would chatter.
With a simple ease of a swing,
She would be cradled in his sculpted arms and plopped into the back of his car.
And there is where they would talk.
And laugh.
And argue.
And fight.
And scream.
And cry.
And kiss.
Yes, they would kiss.
He stole her heart.
Completely.
There was no turning back.
He was everything she ever wanted.
All she wanted.

I think back to how effortless it was.

With him.

And tears begin to sting my eyes.

No matter how hard I try,

He is always there.

Always in the back of my mind.

I want him to leave.

Go away.

Let me live.

Let me love and care and fall.

But thats never going to happen.

Not soon any way.

It feels as though it was a dream.
It never happened.
It was never real.

There is no trace of him anywhere.
No facebook.
No pictures.
No emails.
No letters.
Nothing.
He has completely disappeared.
Sometimes I question if I just imagined the whole thing.
If he ever took me on those dates.
If we ever sat in my basement and watched every church movie possible.
If at his farewell, he pulled me onto his lap with his family and loved ones all around and whispered in my ear, telling me that I'm his girl. That I always will be.
If we went to that one concert.
If we made those cookies.
If we got in that big fight.
If he had to pull over because his hands were shaking with rage.
If we just looked at each other, then busted up laughing.
If he threw those pebbles at my window.
If he ever told me he loved me.
If he ever cared.
Because now I am not so sure.
It's as though he never existed.
All I have are his letters.
The material proof of letters formed into words that he cared.
Once upon a time I meant something to him.
One time he loved me.
As I care about him.

My heart still hurts.

It's weak.

I try to be strong.

I try to smile and go on with my life as smiley as possible.

But in the end,

I am still that broken girl.

With new cracks.

With new breaking points and new scars.

I miss him.

I still cry.

He is still my everything.

It kills me to admit it.

But he is.