Monday, December 31, 2012

Unique Tune.

Tonight was a special one.
After spending a wonderful Sunday night with Dallin's family,
I returned home to find my madre and sister cuddling in momma's big bed.
Of course,
I dove into the sheets nuzzling my way between them.

My sweet mother had retrieved her old journal.
Spanning from the years of my older brothers birth in 1991 to when he was 10 in 2001.

We read the entire thing.

She only wrote every few months, 
Sometimes more, sometimes less.

She wrote things that made us belly-gut laugh.
She wrote things that made our eyes sting with tears.

What an incredible childhood I had.
All because of the strong woman that took care of me when I could not take care of myself.

She is the most sacrificing, giving, Christ-like person I know.
She has devoted her life to her children.

I have the best mommy.

I will declare it to the world.

If I can ever be half the mother she is, 
I will have completely fulfilled my duties here on this earth.

She is all I want to be.
Yes, we disagree.
Yes, we fight.
But I have never for a moment stopped loving her.
Never have I, not for a single second, been ungrateful for her unyielding love and compassion.

I'm the luckiest.

As we read this beloved journal...

Not much has changed.

My mother constantly pin-pointws my quirky ways as a little girl.

On September 20, 1997
She wrote me this note. 

I must have been sleeping next to her as she wrote these beautiful words:

If anyone beats to their own drum, 
It would be you. 
You always seem to be playing a unique tune.
 I wonder what goes through your mind as you toss and turn and cry out in your sleep. 
It takes you awhile for you to adjust to a new day.
 I wish that you were my pretty princess, 
But you always remind me you are daddys. 
Your petite little hands are always putting on your bathing suit and pink princess outfit. 
A mind of your own--  
 So smart. 
Stop grinding your teeth, my love. 
You remind me of a butterfly fluttering here and there, 
Always trying to find a place to land. 
Don't ever stop being true to yourself.
 You are free. 
You are beautiful as you are.
So strong.
 And a little me. 

Tears swelled my eyes as my mom began to choke back her own.

It's safe to say I have always been a little different.
In elementary, I had no friends.
After spending many recesses alone, 
I found company with my books hiding in the bathroom.
For three years, characters nurtured my loneliness.
See what I mean by being a little off?
I was awkward, overly-passionate, and a little too talkative.

And not much has changed.

It is quite amusing.
Back in high school,
I was always misjudged.
Other student looked at me as "The Dance Company Girl" or "SBO" or based their opinions off who I dated and how those relationships turned out.

But when someone took the time--
When someone climbed over my bubbly, giggly wall--

They found a person completely different than what they had expected.
I have gotten this reaction so many times,
It is almost annoying now.

I am still that nerdy girl who finds comfort in novels.
I still beat to my own drum.
Singing my own unique tune. 

When it comes to friends,
I have always been put down and laughed at for the way I think.

So I have learned to keep my mouth shut around certain people.
My light is dimmed.
I feel dumb.
I crawl inside my little hole of insecurity.
And this happens more than you think.

I felt this way every day.


I found him.
So cheesey, so over-used.

But with him,
I am the most me I have ever been.
He brings out my nerdy, passionate me,
and embraces it.
In fact,
He pulls it out of me.
Because that is the me he loves.
That is the me he wants to be with.
The real me.
Not this cover I put on.
Not the cool, reserved me.
But the most inner corners of myself come out whenever he is around.

And thats love.
If you ask me. 
That how I know,

He was made me for me.

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