Thursday, May 10, 2012

Flowers In Your Hair.

I never thought this would happen.
Not in a bazillion years.

Today is the 10th. 
It marks another month with him gone.

He is just a vague memory now.
Woven into hope and heartache.
I try so hard to remember his smile, his laugh, his voice.
But it has all escaped me now.
Eighteen months is a long time.
Things change.
I have changed.

I have spent a year and a half lost in pain.
Hours felt like days. Days like months.
I turned into a zombie with no light of life.
Restless night bawling until there were no more tears left.
For months,
A hole has formed into my chest causing me actual physical pain with each breath.
With each memory and reminder of him,
Its just another chip off the old block.
Eighteen months have I endured this.

I have tried to distract myself.
Really, I've tried.
Each adventure has ended with a...
"He's not my missionary."
"It's just not all there."
I can afford to be picky, alright?

But now.

The most peculiar thing has happened.

There is a special one.

One that makes me smile.
One that gives me butterflies every time he turns down the hall.
The one that has given me hope.
The hole of pain is gone.
Its gone.
I can breath again.
I feel whole.

I don't know how to say this.

He doesn't make me "giddy" or "swoon."
I know. Not my normal reaction.
When he is around, just his very presence, gives me peace.
My whole being relaxes and I am calm.
Instead of fire burning through me,
I feel light spring water flood my entire being.
Leaving no trace of that retched hole that has consumed me.
This pure water softens the edges.
Soaks the edge and cleans them.
This allows my happiness to flow through me freely and absorb.

This sounds crazy.
But I don't know how else to explain it.

I never thought I would feel like this again.
I had given up on finding this form of happiness.
It just wasn't worth the pain follow.
But something about him...
He is just good.
Everything about him is good.
He makes me smile.
He has made me remember.
Remember what its like to hold someone's hand. And the power of it.
Remember that it is okay to be silly.
Remember that singing is a good thing.
Remember you don't need to hide.
Remember what it feels like to be wanted.

I'm just going off on tangents now.

For all I know, I have the best months of my life coming up.

These next three weeks, is
Graduation is around the corner.

Then begins the summer of my dreams.

I can't wait.

I am the happiest I have ever been.
No more tears.
No more nothing.

Just happiness.
From my very full and happy heart.

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