Thursday, June 21, 2012

I Don't Understand Dreams.

Dreams are answers to questions we haven't yet figured out how to ask.  ~X-Files

Dreams are illustrations... from the book your soul is writing about you.  ~Marsha Norman

All the things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams.  ~Elias Canetti

Dreams are excursions into the limbo of things, a semi-deliverance from the human prison.  ~Henri Amiel

Pay attention to your dreams - God's angels often speak directly to our hearts when we are asleep.  ~Quoted in The Angels' Little Instruction Book by Eileen Elias Freeman, 1994

Dreams say what they mean, but they don't say it in daytime language.  ~Gail Godwin

In dreams, we enter a world that's entirely our own.  ~Steven Kloves

Have you ever experienced one so painfully real,
that you wake up from your humble sleep
with a moist forehead and strong hyperventilation?

I did.
Last night.

After a relaxing night of low key television watching,
and deep talks with the mama,
I laid in my queen size bed,
turned on my ipod to my slow jamz playlist,
and began dozing off.

Suddenly I was at a movie theater.
I took a seat by my friend's mother and we started eating some of her homemade treats.
We watched some sort of show that had lots of green.
That's all I can remember.
The lights came on and they were dim.
As my little eyes were adjusting,
I turned behind myself to crack my stiff back.
I locked eyes with him.
My Elder.
Sitting in the very back.
Still wearing his church clothes,
he was hunched over with head hanging.
My breathing stopped.
He was supposed to be on a mission.
Why was he sitting in the small theater watching a screen of green?
As everyone started exiting,
I tried to push my way to him.
Everyone was in the way.
No one would let me through.

I was pushing and pushing.
Shoving and shoving.

Finally, I approached him.
He was still sitting in the exact same position with his head hung low.
I stood there,
not knowing what to say or do.
Where do I start after everything we have been through?
he raised his head.
Our eyes met.
Neither of us could look away.
My heart melted.
Those were the eyes that I fell in love with over a year and a half ago,
the eyes that told me they loved me.
Now they only stared at me with hardness and regret.
I was taken back.
He shook his head and stood up.
He was a lot taller than I remembered.

"Linsey, I didn't expect to see you here."

"You are supposed to be on your mission. Why are you here?"

He began to explain that he came home to stop the wedding of his ex-girlfriend who he has always been in love with.
(My biggest fear, and she is really married now. So. That's fine)
He turned.
And left.
Without another word.

I walked out of the theater defeated,
tears already forming in my eyes.
I entered the little girls room to wash my hands.
It's a weird tendency I have.
When something goes wrong I have to wash my hands right away.
Cleaning myself.
Interpret as you wish.

When I exited there stood my brother.
Smiling his perfect smile with a row of bright teeth.
I stared at him.

"Holy cats. YOU are supposed to be on your mission. What is going on?"

"I just wanted to come see if you were okay."
He put his arm around my shoulder and lead me to a near by bench.

Tears started to flow.
Everything I have been holding in.

All the anger.
All the hurt.
The betrayal.
The time wasted.
All the tears.
Every emotion.
I sobbed into his white ironed shirt.

I looked up at him waiting for the usual comment of:

"Linsey, stop being dramatic."
"Pull yourself together."
"You are embarrassing yourself."


He hugged me a little tighter.
Smiled, and with a shrug, he said

"Baby sister. Everything is going to be perfect in the end. Heavenly Father loves you. Your Savior is here. Waiting for you to come to him. Don't push him away. He is here for you like I am. Please don't forget us. Please."

Once more,
I lost it.

We talked.
We discussed every issue in my life.
My new goals and hobbies.
My newly established achievements.
Heart aches and that cause of all these tears.
I had my brother back momentarily.

All too soon,
he stood up.
He told me he had to go.
I clung to his shirt, begging my best friend not to leave me.
He said duty was calling and that I will see him in three months time.
My mind couldn't rap around what was going on.
It was all too real.
Everything was so confusing.
I started to sprint after him,
to find no one down the hall.
My hands began to shake and leaned against the wall for support.
Sliding to floor,
I just remember shaking my head.

I was in my bed.
Sitting against the backboard.
Breathing fast, sweat pouring down my face.

What is the world just happened??


I don't know.

I needed my brother.
He is my best friend.
And with the craziness of my life,
I was in dyer need of his advice.

I don't understand dreams.
I don't know why they exist or what purpose they serve.
But one thing is for sure.
Heavenly Father blessed me with a conversation from my brother. 
He is watching over me.

Joshy will be home in three months.
It has flown by.
Kind of.
I miss him.
Every second of everyday.

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