Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Can't I Just Get Over It?

Isn't it weird?
How you live in the now and eight months ago feels like a dream?
Eight months ago seemed like a fairy tale of blissful happiness that seems 
completely unattainable now.
It was a completely different life.
I almost don't even recognize it now.
A life where I was little sixteen year old and everything was so new.
A life where I found a boy full of the Spirit.
A very special boy.
One who had no idea, but he made me fall.

He caught a broken girl with way too many flaws and imperfections.
A girl who messed up time after time.
A girl who wanted to love.
Ready to give.
Ready to share.
But a girl with a sheltered heart.
Who put on a mask of a smile and an obnoxious laugh,
but a girl who had put up walls due to reckless boys that caused her heart to crack.
Without her knowledge,
He came into her life suddenly.
And in the blink of an eye, this girl and boy became best friends.
She spent time with him.
He understood her.

Even when she started making all her animal noises,
he would chuckle with her giggles and hopelessly role his eyes.
Then he would grab her face,
stare into her hard gray eyes and say with a smile,
"If you make that dang dinosaur noise one more time, I am going to make you wish you were dead."
The girl could barely keep herself from laughing, and managed a small imitation of dear Little Foot.
He slightly shook his head.
(Another small dinosaur roar)
And the cycle began all over.

He brought out the best in her.
He calmed her when the craziness of life made her frantic.
He helped her fight her internal battles of being a teenage girl.
His shoulder was always there to cry on.
And while she cried, he would sing happy songs and fussle with her hair.
He would crack a stupid joke and laughed at himself when the girl was too depressed to respond.
He would do anything for her.
And she for him.

It was a completely different realm where this girl was completely content.
Every moment was filled with a smile and nothing could bring her down.
High school was a drag because he was done with that phase of life.
She had no need to waste her time with the little people of the school because all she ever wanted to do was spend every free moment with him.
Thats all.
And she had never been so happy.

It was a time where a simple text meant, go to the Special Spot.
A time when they could lay in the middle of the freezing road.
Stare at the stars.
He didn't say much.
And neither did she.
Silence was welcomed.
For in those moments,
She could hear the brush of the grass against the cold October pavement.
She could fully grasp the comfort of the warmth as his arms tightly wound around her.
She could hear his breathe and wrap her mind in the rhythm of the sound.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
It was that simple.
That easy.
Not a care took her mind as she laid on that street wrapped in the arms of her first love.
She would begin to shiver.
Her jaw would chatter.
With a simple ease of a swing,
She would be cradled in his sculpted arms and plopped into the back of his car.
And there is where they would talk.
And laugh.
And argue.
And fight.
And scream.
And cry.
And kiss.
Yes, they would kiss.
He stole her heart.
There was no turning back.
He was everything she ever wanted.
All she wanted.

I think back to how effortless it was.
With him.
And tears begin to sting my eyes.
No matter how hard I try,
He is always there.
Always in the back of my mind.
I want him to leave.
Go away.
Let me live.
Let me love and care and fall.

But thats never going to happen.
Not soon any way.

It feels as though it was a dream.
It never happened.
It was never real.

There is no trace of him anywhere.
No facebook.
No pictures.
No emails.
No letters.
He has completely disappeared.
Sometimes I question if I just imagined the whole thing.
If he ever took me on those dates.
If we ever sat in my basement and watched every church movie possible.
If at his farewell, he pulled me onto his lap with his family and loved ones all around and whispered in my ear, telling me that I'm his girl. That I always will be.
If we went to that one concert.
If we made those cookies.
If we got in that big fight.
If he had to pull over because his hands were shaking with rage.
If we just looked at each other, then busted up laughing.
If he threw those pebbles at my window.
If he ever told me he loved me.
If he ever cared.
Because now I am not so sure.
It's as though he never existed.
All I have are his letters.
The material proof of letters formed into words that he cared.
Once upon a time I meant something to him.
One time he loved me.
As I care about him.

My heart still hurts.
It's weak.
I try to be strong.
I try to smile and go on with my life as smiley as possible.

But in the end,
I am still that broken girl.
With new cracks.
With new breaking points and new scars.

I miss him.
I still cry.
He is still my everything.
It kills me to admit it.
But he is.

1 comment:

  1. Girl. Don't give up on something like this.
    Dont give up until he point-blank says it's over.
    And even then, fight a little.
    We were meant to be happy. Cherish those times. Remember the best when you miss him. It helps :)
    Hold on babe. Happiness will come.
    It always does.