Lets Start.

Summer To-Do List:

GO.

No Parachutes This Time.

(Earlier Thoughts Of This Mornings Shower)

What if I told you who I really was.
What if I let you in on my charade.

What if I told you what was really going on.
No more masks and no more parts to play.
What if I told you that's its just a front to hide the insecurities I have.
What if I told you that I'm not as strong as I like to make believe I am.
There's so much I want to say.
But I'm so scared to give away every little secret that I hide behind.
Would you see me differently?
Would that be such a bad thing?
I wonder what it would be like if I told you.

-Jason Walker

(My Thoughts Right Now)

Here's how it goes.
Boy meets girl, girl leaves boy.
That's all I know, all I've done, all my life.
Because throughout my history, 

I've only been with jerks who couldn't take it.
But you see the picket fence the swing on the front porch with us two on it.
He rescued me.
Saved my life just in time.
Saw past all my issues and scars,
And made me try.
Because the way he's kissing me makes it hard to breathe.
But I still like it.

It truly feels like a dream.
He knows exactly how I want it.
When I believe that nothing lasts forever,
He stays with me, keeping us together.
And make me feel like I never ever wanna give him up.
Until now, I've always been a quitter.

-Carrie Underwood

This evening, I opened up.

No walls.

No guard.

The stars were shining brilliantly in the sky.

I traced the bulbs of light hopelessly begging them to give me strength.

Help me say the right thing so that he will understand.

That I am broken in so many ways.

That maybe I am not the girl he thinks I am.

I knew I could make him understand, I just had to say it right.

And I did.

After my monologue, I buried my head into his chest terrified of his reaction.

Would he get upset and storm back to his car?

Would he feel pity for a girl so lost?

I couldn't and wouldn't look at him. 

All I felt was his stare pouring into my hair.

Softly, he pulled my chin up and rested his lips on my forehead.

I let out a sigh of relief.

At least he didn't shun me.

After what seemed like an eternity,

His strong hands turned my face toward his.

With his twinkling eyes piercing mine he said,

"I will never hurt you. That is my promise. I don't want to lose you. 

Please don't run away this time. I won't lose you."

*DEAD*

I feel this feeling that has been lost for so long.

I thought I would be only able to feel it with the missionary.

This best friend thing we have going on.

The fact that I can tell him exactly whats on my mind, 

Whenever I want to and he listens. 

Just listens to me speak as if I am telling the most exciting story ever told.

We have this connection.

He knows exactly what I am going to do before I do.

I can tell he cares about me so much.

It shines through his eyes when he looks at me.

I can feel it.

I'm not scared anymore.

He is everything I could wish for. And more.

I'm falling. Fast. 

And I don't need to parachute for this one.

Thanks for offering though. :)

Shine For.

Sometimes you look up. 
There seems to be so many more stars than there were before.
More.
They burn brighter.
They shine longer.
They never seem to vanish in your periphery when you turn your head.


It's as if they come out for us.
To remind us that their light took so long to come to us.
That if we never had the patience to wait,
We never would have seen them here.
Tonight.
Like this.


That as much as it hurts,
sometimes all you can do is
Wait.
Endure.
Keep shining knowing eventually,
Your light will reach where it is supposed to reach.
And shine for who it is supposed to shine for.

Vulnerable.

Relationships scare me sometimes.
Why?
Because then that person has the power to make or break my day.
He has the ability to make me smile, laugh, and even cry.
One person can so much to hold over me.
I'm vulnerable, 
And for me,
That's a scary position to be in.


But.


If you are falling in love with me it's only fair that you know
What you are falling in love with.

You are falling in love with my insecurities,
and my obsession with trying to understand what it really means to be me.
You are falling in love with my immaturity,
My constant need to feel loved and appreciated,
My overreactive tear ducts,
My internet obsession,
My tendency to be a little clingy.
You fall in love with my troubled past,
my hopes and my dreams,
and how I am a hopeless romantic at heart.
If you fall in love with me,
you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections,
and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I am with you,
the way I will text you in the morning just telling you I hope you have a great day.
You're falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say,
and the way I blush when people ask me about you.
But to me,
the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me,
despite my thinking that it is impossible.

Simple.

Life is so good.

Everything is good.

Flowers In Your Hair.

I never thought this would happen.
Not in a bazillion years.

Today is the 10th. 
It marks another month with him gone.

He is just a vague memory now.
Woven into hope and heartache.
I try so hard to remember his smile, his laugh, his voice.
But it has all escaped me now.
Eighteen months is a long time.
Things change.
I have changed.

I have spent a year and a half lost in pain.
Hours felt like days. Days like months.
I turned into a zombie with no light of life.
Restless night bawling until there were no more tears left.
For months,
A hole has formed into my chest causing me actual physical pain with each breath.
With each memory and reminder of him,
Its just another chip off the old block.
Eighteen months have I endured this.

I have tried to distract myself.

Really, I've tried.

Each adventure has ended with a...

"He's not my missionary."

Or

"It's just not all there."

I can afford to be picky, alright?

But now.

The most peculiar thing has happened.

There is a special one.

One that makes me smile.
One that gives me butterflies every time he turns down the hall.
The one that has given me hope.
The hole of pain is gone.
Its gone.
I can breath again.
I feel whole.

I don't know how to say this.

He doesn't make me "giddy" or "swoon."
I know. Not my normal reaction.
When he is around, just his very presence, gives me peace.
My whole being relaxes and I am calm.
Instead of fire burning through me,
I feel light spring water flood my entire being.
Leaving no trace of that retched hole that has consumed me.
This pure water softens the edges.
Soaks the edge and cleans them.
This allows my happiness to flow through me freely and absorb.

This sounds crazy.
But I don't know how else to explain it.

I never thought I would feel like this again.
I had given up on finding this form of happiness.
It just wasn't worth the pain follow.
But something about him...
He is just good.
Everything about him is good.
He makes me smile.
He has made me remember.
Remember what its like to hold someone's hand. And the power of it.
Remember that it is okay to be silly.
Remember that singing is a good thing.
Remember you don't need to hide.
Remember what it feels like to be wanted.

I'm just going off on tangents now.

For all I know, I have the best months of my life coming up.

These next three weeks, is
Party.
Party.
Party.
Graduation is around the corner.

Then begins the summer of my dreams.

I can't wait.

I am the happiest I have ever been.
No more tears.
No more nothing.

Just happiness.
From my very full and happy heart.

Happy Happy Happy.

Man Oh Man.
I have put this off long enough.
As I sit here,
I am trying to figure out why.

Prom 2012

My last and final dance.

I guess it's the fact that words cannot even begin to describe the perfection of that evening.
Only on a few rare occasions have I ever felt that degree of happiness.
I felt like I was floating on air.
No one could bring me down.
I mean no one.

I look like my mother.

It is terrifying.

DRESS.

Best date. Ever. Period. Done. The end.

Happy happy day.

Happy happy life.

Happy happy all the time.