Saturday, April 16, 2011

I Never Thought I'd See The Day And Be Smiling.

Well well well.
I never thought this day would come.
Truly... I never did.

Lets start from the beginning. 
How Elder and I met.
For this is start of a most epic tale.

This was posted January 30, when these emotions were most real.

"Ok all you readers, such as.... no one, listen up.

This is the story of how I fell in love. It is the usual story. The older boy and the younger girl grew up together. Couldn't stand to be around each other. Seperated through the awful junior high years. Weren't even friends girl's sophomore year, while the older boy was a senior. Meet back up awkwardly. Instantaneously fall in love. Then in the blink of an eye... he's gone.

Well if you haven't figured out, I am the younger girl. And that is my story in a nut shell.
Shall I expand on the situation? I shall. 
Lets take a moment to observe my current situation.

  • I am a Junior in High School. 
  • I am on Dance Company.
  • I got the best friends around. 
  • I have a family that loves me very much. 
  • I am so blessed and grateful. 
  • I have an unyielding testimony of my Savior and his church 
My life should be perfect right? Wrong. There is a hole. A hole that hurts with every breath I take, with every heartbeat. Every time my heart pounds the hole gets bigger. Because he is not here. He is gone.

Two. Whole. Years. 

Yes, I sent off a missionary. And everyday that he is gone, my heart yearns to be with him and yet, he is serving the people of central america. Its all bitter-sweet. Sweet, in such a way as he serving the lord. He will change lives. He is going to work miracles. He will mature and gain a sense of humility. He will back 10 times the guy I knew. I should be happy. But I am not. I am heart broken and wounded. I am lost. I need him.

Okay, so maybe I am a little dramatic.

We are going to call this boy.... Elder. Just Elder. Me and Elder.. Well.. we go way back. I remember specifically being in kindergarten. Elder and my big brother, Joshy Boy [currently serving a mission in Anaheim, California], were best friends growing up. There was a whole group of boys actually. All of them I adored. Oh boy, those second graders had it going on! Because of my adoration, I was subjected to much torture. The span of my entire childhood was filled with hits, kicks, and bruises from my secret loves. Yes, I remember Elder beating me up.

Good times.. good times.

Once those second graders hit 7th grade, the tortured stopped. Those boys stopped coming over because Joshy's friends changed. I forgot about them and moved onto boys my own age. YA YA! Skipping forward a couple years, I entered high school.

Oh, sophomore year. The memories. The best year of my life. Lets just say... I dated a couple guys. One being Elder's best friend. Grrrrr..... I have a STRONG dislike for that man. But that is a different story. Elder and I are not friend, nor would I ever thought we would be. Junior year now rolls around. All my second grade lovers slash my beloved seniors are all headed off to different parts of the country for their missions. Including my brother. My best friend. My constant comfort. He was gone, I was alone.

In result of this pain, tears flowed constantly. I thought it was going to last forever. That following Friday changed my life forever. I decided I needed to try and be happy. In this attempt, I went to our high school football game.

I had never felt so alone.

All my friends were blind to my sorrow and insincerity filled their voices. All I could think was  
"The next two years are going to be like this. My own personal hell."
Once the game ended, I wanted to run home as fast as I could. Before I could take off, I ran into some old friends. My beloved seniors. My mood changed knowing that these boys were filled with the spirit of christ. Their light shone so bright. I couldn't help but smile. As I was conversing with these bretheren, I noticed one hanging in the back. He would not make eye contact with me.

There is something you need to know about me.
If I want to know you, you better buck up. You will be my friend.

I decided to march up to this young man and made it known that I exist. My heart started to pound as I approach his imitating stance.

"When do you leave for your mission, Aaron?"
"The tenth of November." He answered politely.
"Wow, that is coming up! That is oh so very exciting. I believe I heard that you are going to guatemala?" I asked, trying to engage in light conversation.

And BAM!

We clicked.

My life will never be the same from that night.

Everything changed.

That night I fell in love. I truly did. I knew what I was getting myself into. This boy was leaving in a month and a half for two years.. This next month and a half had to be filled with him. My elder.

And let me tell you.

That was the BEST month of 2010.

We spent every second we could with each other. We went to concerts. Stargazing. Late night car rides. Church movies. Dates. Kisses. Fighting. Sneaking out. Dinner. Laughing so hard we were rolling on the floor. Singing our lungs out. Baking treats. Scary movies. Awkard moments. Late night phone calls. Wrestling. Bowling. Life talks. More kisses. Testimonies.
Falling in love.
My life was a fairytale. I don't think there was a happier person to ever walk the earth. My mother told me I was glowing. Life was perfect. I could not ask for anything more. I was living in complete bliss.
Then he left.
He was gone. I was alone.
Most people's heart are broken because of a switch in emotion. One doesn't feel the same as they did before. Mine was different. We were completely in love. Completely content. And in our prime, we were seperated. I know he still loves me. Thats why I am broken. I love him, he loves me. Two years til I can be with him again. BAH.
Another chip off the ol' heart.
I am waiting for my Elder. Lets be honest. I am in high school. I am going to date other boys. Maybe even kiss. But my heart will ALWAYS be with my Elder. He is my Best Friend. Two more years. I can handle it.
I can do this. "

That is how it started. 
A glimpse of our relationship.
I fell. Hard.
Which is completely silly looking back.
I knew he was leaving.
I knew I would be alone.
But isn't that the crazy thing about love?
We take ridiculous risks and bizarre actions,
to catch a smidge of the happiness that comes with another unyielding care and passion?

Well, I have waited.
I pray for Elder every night.
I write him a weekly email every Monday.
I send a letter every two weeks.
I have not kissed a boy since he has left back in November.
Minus the Christmas Assembly, if you know what I'm talking about.
My heart has completely held onto our relationship,
never fully letting fall for another lad.

Well, today, this all came to a close.

I received a letter from my dear Elder.
Yes, it finally came.
I was giddy.
I was screaming.
Running around like a little girl who was surprised with a pony on her birthday.
I ripped the letter open only to find one measly piece of paper.
One paragraph.
That is never a good sign.
As I read the contents of the letter my heart sank.
Buried itself in embarrassment and sorrow.
He began to tell me that:
  • He hopes I am enjoying my high school experience.
  • And that he doesn't want me hopelessly waiting around for him.
  • He frankly said that he is giving his complete all to the Lord, and doesn't have time for anything else or anyone for that matter.
  • He requested that I stopped writing him so that he can solely focus on the work.
  • He wished me a good life and to enjoy every moment of it.
The end.

I sat there.
Blankly staring at the letter.
I waited for the moister to strike me eyes and fall endlessly down my face.
I waited for the pain to reoccur in the never failing hole punched deep into my chest.
I waited for my body to collapse due to the shock and horror of what the contents of the letter read.
But none of that happened.
I smiled.
Even giggled a bit.
Suddenly I thought, 
Linsey, why in the world are you smiling at a time like this?
I have had to take this whole day, and try to dissect my emotions.

Here is my conclusion.

I am relieved.
I can let him go.
No more tears, no more sorrow for when the letter doesn't show.
I can live my happy high school life,
as a senior,
as an SBO.
I can feel my Savior's love.
His enlightenment.
I know Elder came into my life for a reason, he played a special role.
He taught me what love is.
What I am searching for.
What a relationship should be like.
It's amazing.
Heavenly Father has outstanding ways of working.
He knew this was a lesson I needed to learn.
I am happy.
I am smiling.
Elder can now move on,
and become the best missionary ever on the planet!
I know he will be.
He is that incredible.
Who ever is the lucky girl that marries this young man will win the jackpot of all men.
I am excited for her.
And my true love is out there.
Waiting for me.
Man, I am feeling good.
I can feel my Savior's arms around me,
as he whispers that everything is going to be alright.
And it will be.
Goodbye Elder.
The stories of you will cease to exist on this blog.
I love you.
You will always hold a very dear spot in my heart.
I will never forget you.
Thank you, for all you have taught me.
Go get em, Elder Hill.
I am so proud of you.


  1. this is such a beautiful post. rejection usually feels so hard and it takes a long time to get over it. but you were so blessed to not have that experience. sending missionaries off is so so hard! =) way to be girl.

  2. Agreed, gorgeous post! I went through that exact same experience back in Feb., and I gotta say, you handled it a lot better than I did, haha! I really had a hard time accepting that curve ball, still have a hard time believing it, so it's good to see someone spin it in a positive way :) Thanks!