Thursday, February 3, 2011

To Love or Not to Love

Oh, the dilemmas of being a high school teenage girl.
Oh, the heart brake.
Oh, the trials.
Oh, the indecisions.
Oh, thank you blog for listening.

To love or not to love.
That is the question.

I know... I am deep.

It is interesting to observe the challenges that life presents us with.
Heavenly Father knows our strengths and our weaknesses.
We know we came to this earth to
grow and develop.
Well, my dear Heavenly Father is having my learn fast.
I was given a gift and a curse.
A strength and a weakness.

I fall too fast, I trust too easily.

I see this as a strength knowing that when I fall for someone
that is when I am glowing.
The love in return is glorious beyond all compare.
The feeling of being on cloud nine,
that personal little high,
could not make you feel better and about yourself.

But at the same time...

It is my weakness.
When that trust is broken,
or I am dropped flat on my face,
that is when the heart brake begins.
That is when the hole forms and cloudiness covers the mind.
I become numb.

This gift and/or curse either brings me
completely happiness
complete misery.

So the statement of To Love or Not to Love is as true as ever.

Hence, the future problems in my life.

Here is the situation.

My dearest brother had a best friend growing up and all through out high school.
We will call him... Mr. D.
For privacy reasons.
I have honestly spent endless and countless hours with Mr. D. When I was 7 years old, my poor American Doll's head was ripped off by these savage 9 year olds. Mr. D. has come on many family trips to St. George and Lake Powell. How many nights has he stayed at my house? Too many to count. So if you get the point... this kid is my brother. He truly is. I love him to pieces.
He is one of the young lads I have always had an unyielding crush on.
Crush is an understatement.
This kid is a cross between an Abercrombie Model and a Greek God.
My admiration was hidden through all these years, of course.

As time passed by, Mr. D... lost his way.

He was right along side with Joshy Boy when he went through his rebellious stage.
That is when they got in most trouble, when they were together.
Two rambunctious teenage boys, not a good idea.

But when it came down to it, there were two paths that could be traveled.
Follow the Iron Rod or get lost in the Mist of Darkness.
It broke me to watch my third brother get lost in Darkness.
The countless hours I prayed for Mr. D. to see the true light and
Heavenly Fathers love for him.
That is the worst position.
To see someone you love and care about to travel down the wrong path.

After a year my prayers finally came into effect.
I prayed, day in and day out, for Mr. D. to realize the real truth.
His mother had informed me and my madre that Mr. D. was clear and ready for a mission.
But he is dragging his feet.
He doesn't have the push or the motivation to turn his papers in.

This is where I come into play.

It all started a few months ago when Joshua first left on his mission. One of the first letters I received from him was filled with good news and love. I was shocked to find that he mentioned Mr. D.. Josh then began to explain to me that he had this intuitional feeling that I needed to start hanging our with dear Mr. D. Joshy Boy couldn't quite explain why... just that I needed to.

I was a little preoccupied with my Elder.
I shrugged it off.

Over this last Christmas break I had that same intuitional feeling about calling Mr. D. and spending a day with him. Being almost his little sister, I found this completely awkward and silly. I could not imagine hanging out with Mr. D. without my brother there. It was too bizarre.

So once again, I shrugged it off.

It is now February. A few days ago I was casually chatting with my mother about life and all its gifts. The topic of Mr. D. came up through random references. Jamie began to express that dang intuitional feeling that my brother and I have felt previously. I was starting to get freaked out. She knew it was the Holy Ghost pushing her to talk to me about Mr. D.. As we discussed all the possibilities, my mother proceeded to email Mr. D.'s mom to see how he was doing.

A couple days after our little chat, Jamie received an email back. Mr. D.'s mother expressed that she had been thinking of my family and what a positive influence we were on Mr. D. back in the day. She had gotten on her computer to email my mom for one specific reason. She knows Mr. D. better than anyone else on this earth. His weakness is women. If he cares for a girl, he will treat her like a princess and truly down anything to make her happy.
She proposed that I text Mr. D. That I hang out with him.
"He needs a young woman who is strong in the gospel to really push him to get off on his mission. Someone that will support him and help himsee the true meaning of things."
She wants me to date her son to get him off on a mission.

Wait, come again?

This boy is my secret upon secret crush. He is like my brother.
My dream.

Four people had personal feeling of intuition, or as I like to call it,
the Holy Ghost,
that I needed to do this.

Help? Someone. Please.
I need advice.

I can see myself falling for Mr. D.
I can.
He is funny, outgoing, unbelievably attractive, smart, crazy, athletic, tall..
The list goes on and on.

But the truth of the matter is this.
No matter what I do, Mr. D. will be gone in
6 months.
Whether I fall in love or just friends.
I will be alone.

I honestly don't know if 
my heart can go through that again.
It is too painful.

These thoughts are completely selfish.
If I help him get off on a mission isn't that all that matters?
I don't know what to do.

The string of thoughts going through my head at the moment:

I want to help.
I deserve to be happy.
I could make that change.
I could change his life.
I don't want to get hurt.
I don't want to go through this again.
I don't want another broken heart.
I want someone.
I want my Elder.
I know that can't happen.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to feel.
I could take this chance.
I could have the time of my life.
I could feel whole again.
I will be right back where I am if I do.
I am still young.
I am still learning.
I am still growing.
I am scared.
I am confused.
I am selfish.
I need my brother and his advice.

Help Me.

When I began to tell my mother these thoughts,
she looked me straight in the eye and replied softly with
"You might need to take one for the team Linsey."

To Love or Not to Love.
A choice that has to be made.


  1. Gotta agree with the momma! :)

  2. Oh, how you are wise beyond your years Linsey!! I can't say what you should, or shouldn't do, BUT if you feel the Holy Ghost is pushing you towards Mr.D, have faith that he knows you will have the STRENGTH to endure the outcome.