Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Rain Rain Go Away.

Roller coasters.
They are so fun.
Especially when you are discussing emotions.

Last night I couldn't sleep.
I woke up in the middle of the night sobbing.
In hysterics.
I laid in my bed for an hour holding on to old letters.
Replaying memories.
The thrashing rain outside didn't help much either.
It helped remembering the times of smiles and giggles.
It also helped with the pain.
The ache in my chest.

Today was Elder's sixth month mark.
Six. Months.
I can't believe it.
Six months without the boy I fell head over heals for.
The boy that changed me.
Changed my ways,
Changed my outlook on life.
The boy that pushed me to be my best.
He brought out the very best in me.
He kissed me.
And cherished every moment.
He lifted me out of the darkness and helped my testimony grow leaps and bounds.
I was in love.
And you humbuggers who believe that true love doesn't exist in high school?
I am sad for you.
The feelings between me and Elder were real.
I have never been so happy.
And that is happiness you are pushing away.
You'll understand eventually.
It's the best.

I woke up this morning,
late as usual.
I rushed to get ready for a dear SBO meeting.
I turned on my Linkin Park,
trying to block out all thoughts.
I put on a scarf.
A pink one.
I thought it would help brighten my mood.
I went to my meeting.
Smiling at everyone,
praying they could see the disguise.
I sprinted to seminary knowing the spirit was the only thing that would heal my broken heart.
We talked about families.
And love.
I love my life.

I had a test in second.
Once again,
I love my life.

Math has always been my favorite subject.
Everything has a rule.
It is constant.
Never changing.
Numbers are numbers.
Formulas are formulas.
And for OCD fanatics like Linsey?
Ya, math calms me.
So third passed with flying colors.

At lunch,
I saw him and her sitting at the lunch table.
She loves him.
He adores her.
I looked away before my eyes began to swell with tears.
It is hard to see couples in love,
when you are falling apart at the seams.
I didn't look at them again.

During fourth I saw my Crush.
I was in the hall, he walked by.
He smiled at me.
I smiled back.
The pain stopped momentarily.
I wished him luck at his game.
He said he would look out for me.
This time the smile wasn't forced, it was authentic.

I went to the soccer game.
My Crush is a stud.
He talked to me after.
I forgot about my pain, 
it almost... vanished.
I like to believe it was the fresh air and fresh thinking.
Maybe just maybe,
it's the fact that I see that there is still hope for me.
That this pain won't last forever.
I might one day be able to have the 10th day of the month come 
and not fall apart.
I don't know.

Arriving home,
I got a text from a special boy.
He simply asked me if I was going to the baseball game tomorrow.
It made all the difference in the world.
I felt special.
Isn't crazy how just a little text and some loving words can change your whole day?

Once again.
Roller coaster.
But I am a broken hearted teenage girl.
What do you expect?

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